The Trudge Report

Just in case you're pondering a drink ...

2009-09-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

... hide the Sharpies!

Emotional Sobriety and Duct Tape

2009-09-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

The other night at a meeting, a guy I'll call Jim shared his misadventure with his cell phone. It seems the battery panel wasn't holding the phone's battery in any more. Wanting to save some money on a replacement phone, he purchased one on Craiglist.

Alas, phone number 2 does not work, and as the reader can guess, the merchant is nowhere to be found for a refund. Angrily, he duct-taped the battery panel onto the original phone and stormed out of his house to a meeting, where many shared about how to make lemons when life hands us lemonade (or whatever non-alcoholic beverage you would make with a blackberry).

I asked him how his phone worked with the duct tape. Great! he enthused. So I asked, why did he buy a replacement phone when the duct tape fixed the problem?

"Because I didn't want people to think I couldn't afford a new phone."

On the surface, it looks like this guy's problem is scammers on Craigslist, but I think he has a part to play in his own misery.

Jim purchased the replacement phone out of pride. The duct tape solved the problem, but he wanted others to be impressed with his new gadget, and maybe therefore with Jim himself. He wants life to improve based on an external condition: the ownership of a cooler-than-yours phone. To make matters worse, Jim can't afford a new phone, so when he started prowling Craigslist, he did it to bolster a false image to others!

If Jim wanted to save time, money, and emotion, he could have adopted a grateful attitude for a cell phone that's working with such a simple fix. No Craigslist drama!

I know it's wrong to sell bad stuff to people - I get that. But "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men", and I am not normal. I need to focus every ounce of emotional energy into my sobriety. I don't have the luxury of spending any of it on Craigslist crime, or whether or not people will think less of me if I have duct tape on the back of my phone.

Giving Freely

2009-04-09T09:05:00.002-05:00

"We make a living from what we get. We make a life from what we give." - Sir Winston Churchill

At my home group, we have a woman who brings a homemade lunch for the entire group almost every Tuesday. No one has asked her to do this, but everyone heartily digs in and lavishes her with thanks.

She is also a raging Al-Anon. Her husband still drinks heartily, and most weeks her catering is attached to sharing about how much people love what she does for them.

She has taken a job that requires her to be out-of-town for two weeks at a time. Yesterday she was back from her first tour of duty, and since she had been working, did not bring food. No one expressed any dismay.

The chairperson of the meeting called on folks to share, instead of having people just jump in. He did not call on her until the end of the meeting. She said this (loudly):

"I haven't been at a meeting for two weeks! I didn't come to have the chairperson call on people! I wanted to pick the topic of the meeting, something that's upsetting me! This wouldn't have happened if I'd brought food!"

And with that, she stormed out.

My immediate reaction to this mini-rant was that this meeting is not about her, but about a disease everyone in this room shares. As I thought about it though, I realized she might suffer from something a little deeper: giving of herself, but not freely. I suspect she feels entitled to select the topic of the meeting because she feeds people.

My old thinking told me that if I did something for you, bought you something or provided any other service, you owed me. I gave, and so should I get. You can bet that if you did not reciprocate in the manner I felt was appropriate, I got a resentment. I quit doing things for you, and more that likely you appeared somewhere on my list.

Sobriety doesn't hold up to scorekeeping or the anger, self-pity and resentment that follows it. Now, I give things without expecting anything in return. If I bring donuts to a meeting and you eat one, you don't owe me anything.

Nor do I owe you anything if I eat the donuts you bring, either. I assume that your motives for providing something to us are pure.

I will find out soon enough if they aren't.

Keep Calm and Carry On

2009-04-07T08:40:00.003-05:00

I spent a good deal of my childhood in London, the capital of a country that bore much of the violence of World War II. Unlike American, many Brits remember their homeland being bombed, and experiencing the fear that Hitler's regime would invade. Americans lost loved ones, certainly, but the UK lost civilians, its mothers and children and grandparents.

During this time, the poster to the left appeared in the country's undergrounds and street corners, giving it's citizens wise advice that I use today.

Booze helped fuel my imminent sense of doom, usually over things that never actually came to pass. This anxiety spurred me to drink even more, and then I did things that really did cause me problems! It was a horrible way to live.

The first fruits of sobriety include knowing where I've been and who I've spoken to. I don't secretly wish I had an interlock device on my cell phone anymore (though I wish others did!).

Later, working the steps with a sponsor taught me discernment in my actions. If I feel stressed about something, I ask myself if it is real or imagined. I pray, turning the situation over to my Higher Power. Then I keep calm and carry on with the day set before me.

Keep Others Simple ... For Yourself

2009-01-22T08:59:00.003-06:00

I hear and read a lot about "change" that will now sweep over our nation. Apparently we have all been living in downtrodden misery, and a new president is going to fix Everything (he could start over here by taking a look at my bathtub plumbing, but somehow I doubt he's got me on his book).

When I was drinking, I blamed everyone and everything else for my problems. My blurry bottom line was that life just wasn't treating me right. If life treated me right, I wouldn't drink!

The amazing thing was that I developed peace with life once I stopped drinking and learned through a program of recovery that life treats me the way it treats everyone else: if I'm a jerk, people retaliate.

I once heard this in a meeting, "If in the course of a day, I meet one person that I suspect is an ***hole, there is a chance that I am right about that person. But when everyone I meet is an ***hole, then I am actually the ***hole."

I thought life was about being happy. I was wrong. Life is about taking the personal responsibility to contribute to the world. Once I become a giving member of society, I stand a greater chance of personal satisfaction and sobriety.

That's the change I believe in.

A 12-Step New Year

2009-01-01T08:03:00.004-06:00

I believe in making one, doable New Year's Resolution each year. Since sobriety is my first priority, my resolutions usually have to do with the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Here's a few program-related ideas to kick of a more deeply sober 2009:

1) Suit up and show up. Resolve to go to more meetings. Already go to one every day? Then show up to events like committee meetings, picnics, dances, and workshops. If you're feeling a little burned out on your homegroup, resolve to get to some meetings at other groups.

2) Take your relationship with your HP farther. If your HP is of a major religion, visit the house of worship in your area and experiment with worship services or the religious education program. Read some books about others' spiritual journeys to keep your own reflections fresh.

3) Streamline your 7th Tradition. If you have the means, write your homegroup a check for $365 dollars and be done with it for the year (no more fumbling for change during meetings!)

4) Take care of any lurking sponsorship issues. If you don't have a sponsor, get one. If you're not calling her, start calling each day. If you feel stalled, tell her. If you can't tell your sponsor, your program is dicey.

5) Reach out. It's normal to develop a "gang" you keep up with within the program, but it's easy to isolate within that clique. Resolve to call someone who's hurting, even if it's just to say "Hey, call me whenever you want to." Introduce yourself to some you don't know well. Ask someone to join you for coffee after the meeting (or accept the invitation if you never usually go)

6) Amp your service. If you suspect that you don't do enough around the group, change that, even if it's by washing coffee mugs or vacuuming the floor.

A Christmas Message From Bill W.

2008-12-25T10:46:00.002-06:00

To all AA members

Greetings on our 10th Christmas, 1944. Yes, its' in the air! The spirit of Christmas once more warms this poor distraught world. Over the whole globe millions are looking forward to that one day when strife can be forgotten, when it will be remembered that all human beings, even the least, are loved by God, when men will hope for the coming of the Prince of Peace as they never hoped before. But there is another world which is not poor. Neither is it distraught.

This is the world of Alcoholics Anonymous, where thousands dwell happily and secure. Secure because each of us, in his own way, knows a greater power who is love, who is just, and who can be trusted. Nor can men and women of AA ever forget that only through suffering did they find enough humility to enter the portals of that New World. How privileged we are to understand so well the divine paradox that strength rises from weakness, that humiliation goes before resurrection; that pain is not only the price but the very touchstone of spiritual rebirth. Knowing its full worth and purpose, we can no longer fear adversity, we have found prosperity where there was poverty; peace and joy have sprung out of the very midst of chaos. Great indeed our blessings! And so Merry Christmas to you all - from the Trustees, from Bobbie and from Lois and me.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

How Not to Be My Sponsee

2008-12-13T13:42:00.002-06:00

Every few months I get several requests to sponsor someone, and I take each request very seriously. However, often I'm the only person taking it seriously. So if you want me to sponsor you, here's some things you shouldn't do....

1) Get drunk. While this sounds like a "duh" item, many alcoholics aren't quite sure they have a problem, despite their loss of job, freedom, family, friends, credit and home. Something hasn't quite clicked yet. If you're not sure you have a problem, if you think you were convicted of DUI due to a clerical error, please do not come to me.

2) Call me only when you need a ride/money/sofa to crash on, etc. The BB tells us that sponsors (I know, I know, the term "sponsor" isn't used in the BB) are not to be bankers or nursemaids for your sprees. That does mean you.

3) Lie. If I ask you a question, I am expecting a truthful answer. Better you say nothing to me than lie. If you lie, be willing to interrupt yourself and say, "Okay, sorry, I'm lying. The honest answer is ..." This way you will not only learn not to lie, but you will also have the kind of relationship with your sponsor that will help you stay sober.

Judge Not - Unless It's Your Job!

2008-11-19T18:17:00.002-06:00

Check out newly-instated Judge Kevin Fine - one of us who just made it all the way to the bench! (the sentencing side of it - not the side being sentenced!)

Stone Cold (Sober) Case - Can You Help?

2008-11-18T12:45:00.002-06:00

Please call the Snohomish County Sheriff's office if you have any information in the murder of Kenneth Westphal

How It Works - The Original Version!

2008-11-17T12:48:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago, an oldtimer created a bit of a stir by reading the original version of How It Works at the beginning of our meeting.

Many people (read: newcomers) were visibly uncomfortable with the hardline voice contained therein, but I loved it!

My favorite passage is this one:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas: (a) That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. (b) That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. (c) That God can and will. If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!

The hardcore crux of the matter of alcoholism is that the only existing solution is the development of a spiritual life. That might look that the religion of one's upbringing, but it certainly doesn't have to. As long as it's a God of the drunk's understanding, he's on the way.

If you won't work to discover who that God is, get yourself up of that seat so someone who will do the work can have it. You have obviously not hit bottom yet. You may wish whatever drove you in here was your bottom, but it wasn't. You need to go lower.

I was about to write "and may God help you then." But you wouldn't agree with that yet, huh?

One day you will.

Thank you Gabriella!

2008-11-17T12:44:00.002-06:00

Please check out Gabriella's blog All WHo Wander Are Not Lost, and not just because she likes The Trudge Report!

Gabriella, not only do I thank you, but BF thanks you for reminding me to post more often!

You're NOT an Alcoholic If ...

2008-11-12T09:21:00.005-06:00

You don't understand the concept of a 6-pack (isn't one enough?).
You question the concept of "Happy Hour" - who would be in a bar for a whole hour?
You immediately stop drinking when you start to "feel it".
You have ever left an alcoholic beverage unconsumed for any reason
You have no booze in your home, and that's not because you already drank it all
After any sip of an alcoholic beverage, you have ever uttered the phrase "Whoa, this is too strong!"
You're not sure where your neighborhood liquor store is.
You especially look forward to events that are alcohol-free - no idiot drunks around!
You purchase wine for cooking purposes, and you actually do cook with it.
On second thought, you do have some alcohol in your home: a bottle of something someone gave you for Christmas, which is still unopened, and now covered in a layer of dust. You totally forgot about that thing! Maybe you can re-gift it to someone this year.

It Still Sucks - Career Limiting Version

2008-11-08T22:50:00.000-06:00

Somebody please get this poor bastard some aspirin, Gatorade, and the want ads!

Day 14

2008-11-08T22:30:00.004-06:00

What a strange two weeks it's been. I believed that two weeks of praying for my "enemy" would enlighten me, but I had no idea that I would learn that ...

1) Forgiveness is an act, not an emotion. Each day, I prayed, whether I felt like it or not. Halfway through this, I realized I had to let her off of my psychological hook, whether I felt like doing that or not either.

2) Life changes in an instant, and in ways we can't imagine. If you'd told me two weeks ago that P would be sitting in prison right now, I'd have been shocked. It's easy for me to think that the way life looks at a particular moment is the way it will always look. I have been dramatically reminded that life has it's own pace.

3) HP really is in control. Others can do things intending their actions to harm me, but HP can use those very acts of theirs to benefit me.

4) This disease is no joke. I just had a ringside seat for someone's relapse and subsequent imprisonment. I have relished this reminder that while sobriety is fellowship and service and friendship, alcoholism is jails, institutions and death.

Day 13

2008-11-06T22:46:00.001-06:00

It's official - P appears on the county jail list of active inmates.

This has been a humbling thing to watch, in that it reminds me of the gravity of alcoholism. While I've been doing this for many years, I have never witnessed someone go back out and then also witness their downfall - everyone I've seen go back out just disappears.

Throughout my day I have found myself marveling at the things I can do and experience that she will not be able to for a long while: taking my son to school, deciding what to prepare for dinner, cleaning the house ... none of these things seemed mundane today. They seemed like gifts.

It is Gratitude Month, indeed.

It Still Sucks: Prayer Project Version

2008-11-05T21:35:00.003-06:00

NP is not going to weekends in the clink after all - she is going to do 2.5 years!!

Wow.

A friend of hers just called and told me. She has to report tomorrow morning.

One of the sad things about this (certainly not the saddest, but it shames me) is that a few weeks ago, I'd have been celebrating.

Day 11

2008-11-04T23:24:00.001-06:00

Met with my sponsor tonight and among other things, discussed The Prayer Project. I am to call her and tell her I'm willing to meet, but not to expect much, since we hear from several sources that she is still drinking ....

Day 10

2008-11-03T20:20:00.004-06:00

Here's a wrinkle in the semi-formed plan to meet P to talk: she has been sentenced to serve the next three weekends in the county jail. She was convicted of alcohol-related probation violations. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow - I will discuss with her the actual meeting, if she will even see me (it was P's idea, but I'm used to things changing around here).

Day 9

2008-11-02T20:31:00.003-06:00

Ugh - another major realization, and I can tell it's going to be good for me b/c it hurts ...

Last night I "turned off" my resentment towards P. I literally just told myself after a speaker meeting that it was time to quit waiting around to "feel" like doing it and just think myself into right feeling. And it worked! That's the good news.

The bad news is that resentment is how I masked to myself a lot of other feelings about some other relationships. Once I switched off the hatred, I had to look at myself.

My sponsor thinks this is wonderful (she's a hardass, which I why I asked her). To me, it feels like an emotional bikini wax.

Day 8

2008-11-01T21:14:00.003-06:00

Over halfway through the Prayer Project. I have to admit, I think it's working. I can honestly say that I am willing to meet with her.

It reminds me of the feeling I had when I first got sober: lots of future-tripping (as BF calls it - that's freaking out over events that have not occurred yet). When I actually picture meeting with her, I can't even imagine what I would say.

I must discuss again w/my sponsor. At least now I can discuss it in a spirit of willingness now and not in a spirit of whining!

Day 7

2008-11-01T21:03:00.002-06:00

Okay, Day 7 was yesterday, please forgive. I fell asleep without posting, probably in part from heavy reflection in this issue...

I have also realized that I have learned through this program to have some measure of peace about my son's father, who is, empirically, a major pain in the ass. I have learned not to get too wound around the axle about his latest stunts, and he concerns my son. Therefore, I have no excuse to not practice the same behavior with P.

I need to lower my expectations, and accept her for who she is, because I am powerless over her behavior.

Day 6

2008-10-30T18:54:00.003-06:00

Little to report on Day 6 besides digesting yesterday's mini-lightning bolt.

"This is a sick man. God save me from being angry." - The BB

Day 5

2008-10-29T19:47:00.002-06:00

Last night I was studying "More About Alcoholism" in the BB w/my sponsor when I had an epiphany about P.

It happened when I read this sentence: "In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like." I immediately thought of her going back out over her breakup with my ex. Frankly, I empathized with her at that moment, not because I thought drinking was a good idea, but I have certainly done such things in the past myself.

So why haven't I had any compassion for her?

And I realized I haven't had an compassion for her because she hasn't asked for any. She has always come flouncing in to meetings like her drama just didn't happen. She has never once shared with anyone (to my knowledge) that she is in spiritual pain, and she needs help. If she expressed that, I would feel some sympathy for her.

So the question for me is, do I have to wait for her?

Day 4

2008-10-28T18:19:00.002-06:00

Day 4 convicts me to speak the way I want to act. Example? I probably should no longer describe P as "someone I can't f-ing stand". If I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all.