The Trudge Report

That Damned Onion

2010-02-22T10:35:00.000-06:00

You can't be in recovery long without hearing about the Onion: the work we do refines us on the inside, going deeper and deeper, getting to parts of our psyche like layers of an onion. As sick as I am of this metaphor, I have once again come up against the layer in me that always leaves me stuck, and stuck is something I can't afford.

I am 39 years old, but you wouldn't know it in the way I respond to my parents. I do not have adequate boundaries with them. When they are unhappy with me, I make myself physically sick with worry and anxiety. I'm a black-belt al-anon with everyone but them.

It ebbs and flows, and it is making me sick again. Whenever I tell them something I know will make them unhappy (mostly things beyond my control), the cycle begins: they go into a rant and I try to disappear inside myself or block them out or reason with them (never works).

Last night, I got a new sponsor, and told her all about it, that it was making me sick and I don't want to participate in the vicious cycle any more

So The Trudge Report is taking a bit of a turn, growing with my program. There's going to be a lot going on here about dealing with my parents. I'm finally sick of the onion making me cry.

2009-12-18T15:32:00.000-06:00

If you've been in recovery for a few 24-hour periods, you've met them in meetings: alcoholics whose drinking has brought them to a fork in the road of their lives: stop now and keep everything they have or continue and lose it all.I know all of us faces that prospect, but I'm talking about people for whom alcoholic destruction is no longer a theory, like a woman I met I'll call Meg.

Meg is a former army officer (one of the few active-duty women who have actually staffed combat missions). She has a bachelor's degree in a technical field. She is physically attractive. She drives a late-model sports car and owns a home in the nicest area of town. She married another army officer, and they have an adorable toddler together.

A couple of years ago, Meg lost her military career when she tested positive for cocaine. She quit that habit to focus on (more legal) alcohol. Here's what that's gotten her, just during the past year:

A driving-while-intoxicated arrest and conviction
A divorce
A Child Protective Services investigation into her parenting
A custody battle
Bills putting her near the verge of bankruptcy

Meg started coming to 12-step meetings once her husband moved out, wanting to get sober in order to maintain custody of her daughter. She got a sponsor, got a Big Book, worked with her sponsor every week for several months, and went to at least one meeting a day. She picked up a 6-month chip a few weeks ago.

Child Protective Services got out of her life. Her soon-to-be-ex was ordered to pay child support. Her DUI was dismissed after some time on an occupational drivers license. Everything was looking up for Meg!

She spent yesterday very drunk.

And so, the $64,000 question: why? She could lose everything she's worked for! It could get even worse for Meg if she keeps drinking!

Page 24 of the 4th edition says this, and it sums up for me the nature of the disease:

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousnesses with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

So often I hear in meetings "If you don't take the first drink, you won't get drunk!", usually followed by guffaws of newcomers and the easily amused.

That's not in the Big Book, and for good reason (stated above): I'm without defense against the first drink! It's not that I didn't realize that alcohol is intoxicating.

If someone like Meg can look at all she has to lose and still drink, can't any of us? If her self-will could have prevented her relapse, surely it would have yesterday.

Robert Frost described two paths before him in a forest, and he chose the path that had carried fewer travelers thus far. He concludes that "... made all the difference."

I hope there's a road less traveled ahead for Meg.

It still sucks, even with gadgets

2009-12-14T08:35:00.000-06:00

If you're fighting to the urge to drink, make sure you do it away from any electronic devices, for society's sake. Case in point? Gizmodo's post on the subject

Gift ideas for those in recovery

2009-12-09T14:58:00.002-06:00

Here's some ideas, big and small, for the 12-stepper in your life, complete with an Etsy link...

Reusable beverage sleeve
For some reason, we tend to start guzzling gallons of coffee once we get sober - make it a less dangerous, more comfortable habit for us!
Journal
Always useful.
Personal ash tray
Don't fight our smoking habit - it richly beats the alternative!
Bookmarks
Reading is an important part of our lives - can't have too many bookmarks!

Length matters little

2009-12-08T14:04:00.001-06:00

I talk about my sobriety date once per year - when I pick up a chip.

I was "raised" in a group that took sobriety dates very seriously. When we introduced ourselves at meetings, we gave our sobriety date. Old Timers heard the soft ooohs and aaahhhs of newcomers. Newcomers received smiles of encouragement as they recited that they had now made it another day. I ooohhhed and aaahhhed as needed and smiled encouragingly as warranted. At first, I had days of sobriety, then months. Most of the people that got sober around the time I did vanished. Then I had a year, then multiple years.

One day, as I introduced myself in the customary fashion, I mentioned that I had been sober almost 5 years. In the beat of quiet between my introduction and the next person's, I heard it - softly - but I heard it still:

"Wow."

And then began the churning of my magic, magnifying mind: Yep, all hail the badass. Betcha want to be like me someday, huh?

It took one whispered word to activate my ego. My ego began to whisper back that I no longer belonged at that group - or any meeting actually, because there was something good on TV that night or I was tired of hearing Woe-is-Me Wanda recount her latest dope-fueled drama (again). So I stopped going to meetings as much.

When it occurred to me that I wasn't going to meetings as often, I then recalled members who often said that they always called people who had quit showing up. This activated the indignation cycle: where was my phone call? Didn't they care about me?

Cue righteous indignation: after all I've done for that sorry place!

These are the sounds of my spiritual condition eroding. I am now focused on me, rather than on my purpose. All over one whispered word of admiration over my sobriety date.

When I was growing up, my father refused to tell my brother or me how much money he made at his job. If we asked, he'd say "Enough." or "Why? Did you have some allowance to return to me?"

He didn't tell us because he didn't want us to blow it out of proportion: to think we were rich (we weren't) or wonder whether we had enough (we did). We didn't need to dwell on that issue.

Today, I rarely even think about how long I've been sober. Yes, I tell newcomers, but only when asked. I don't need to dwell on quantity. We all have today, and regardless of whether you've been to one meeting or a thousand, that's enough.

100 Ways to Screw Up Your Life

2009-12-04T08:57:00.000-06:00

Love this post - ditch the concept of New Year's resolutions and instead, internalize what's written here as needed!

Just in case you're pondering a drink ...

2009-09-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

... hide the Sharpies!

Emotional Sobriety and Duct Tape

2009-09-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

The other night at a meeting, a guy I'll call Jim shared his misadventure with his cell phone. It seems the battery panel wasn't holding the phone's battery in any more. Wanting to save some money on a replacement phone, he purchased one on Craiglist.

Alas, phone number 2 does not work, and as the reader can guess, the merchant is nowhere to be found for a refund. Angrily, he duct-taped the battery panel onto the original phone and stormed out of his house to a meeting, where many shared about how to make lemons when life hands us lemonade (or whatever non-alcoholic beverage you would make with a blackberry).

I asked him how his phone worked with the duct tape. Great! he enthused. So I asked, why did he buy a replacement phone when the duct tape fixed the problem?

"Because I didn't want people to think I couldn't afford a new phone."

On the surface, it looks like this guy's problem is scammers on Craigslist, but I think he has a part to play in his own misery.

Jim purchased the replacement phone out of pride. The duct tape solved the problem, but he wanted others to be impressed with his new gadget, and maybe therefore with Jim himself. He wants life to improve based on an external condition: the ownership of a cooler-than-yours phone. To make matters worse, Jim can't afford a new phone, so when he started prowling Craigslist, he did it to bolster a false image to others!

If Jim wanted to save time, money, and emotion, he could have adopted a grateful attitude for a cell phone that's working with such a simple fix. No Craigslist drama!

I know it's wrong to sell bad stuff to people - I get that. But "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men", and I am not normal. I need to focus every ounce of emotional energy into my sobriety. I don't have the luxury of spending any of it on Craigslist crime, or whether or not people will think less of me if I have duct tape on the back of my phone.

Giving Freely

2009-04-09T09:05:00.002-05:00

"We make a living from what we get. We make a life from what we give." - Sir Winston Churchill

At my home group, we have a woman who brings a homemade lunch for the entire group almost every Tuesday. No one has asked her to do this, but everyone heartily digs in and lavishes her with thanks.

She is also a raging Al-Anon. Her husband still drinks heartily, and most weeks her catering is attached to sharing about how much people love what she does for them.

She has taken a job that requires her to be out-of-town for two weeks at a time. Yesterday she was back from her first tour of duty, and since she had been working, did not bring food. No one expressed any dismay.

The chairperson of the meeting called on folks to share, instead of having people just jump in. He did not call on her until the end of the meeting. She said this (loudly):

"I haven't been at a meeting for two weeks! I didn't come to have the chairperson call on people! I wanted to pick the topic of the meeting, something that's upsetting me! This wouldn't have happened if I'd brought food!"

And with that, she stormed out.

My immediate reaction to this mini-rant was that this meeting is not about her, but about a disease everyone in this room shares. As I thought about it though, I realized she might suffer from something a little deeper: giving of herself, but not freely. I suspect she feels entitled to select the topic of the meeting because she feeds people.

My old thinking told me that if I did something for you, bought you something or provided any other service, you owed me. I gave, and so should I get. You can bet that if you did not reciprocate in the manner I felt was appropriate, I got a resentment. I quit doing things for you, and more that likely you appeared somewhere on my list.

Sobriety doesn't hold up to scorekeeping or the anger, self-pity and resentment that follows it. Now, I give things without expecting anything in return. If I bring donuts to a meeting and you eat one, you don't owe me anything.

Nor do I owe you anything if I eat the donuts you bring, either. I assume that your motives for providing something to us are pure.

I will find out soon enough if they aren't.

Keep Calm and Carry On

2009-04-07T08:40:00.003-05:00

I spent a good deal of my childhood in London, the capital of a country that bore much of the violence of World War II. Unlike American, many Brits remember their homeland being bombed, and experiencing the fear that Hitler's regime would invade. Americans lost loved ones, certainly, but the UK lost civilians, its mothers and children and grandparents.

During this time, the poster to the left appeared in the country's undergrounds and street corners, giving it's citizens wise advice that I use today.

Booze helped fuel my imminent sense of doom, usually over things that never actually came to pass. This anxiety spurred me to drink even more, and then I did things that really did cause me problems! It was a horrible way to live.

The first fruits of sobriety include knowing where I've been and who I've spoken to. I don't secretly wish I had an interlock device on my cell phone anymore (though I wish others did!).

Later, working the steps with a sponsor taught me discernment in my actions. If I feel stressed about something, I ask myself if it is real or imagined. I pray, turning the situation over to my Higher Power. Then I keep calm and carry on with the day set before me.

Keep Others Simple ... For Yourself

2009-01-22T08:59:00.003-06:00

I hear and read a lot about "change" that will now sweep over our nation. Apparently we have all been living in downtrodden misery, and a new president is going to fix Everything (he could start over here by taking a look at my bathtub plumbing, but somehow I doubt he's got me on his book).

When I was drinking, I blamed everyone and everything else for my problems. My blurry bottom line was that life just wasn't treating me right. If life treated me right, I wouldn't drink!

The amazing thing was that I developed peace with life once I stopped drinking and learned through a program of recovery that life treats me the way it treats everyone else: if I'm a jerk, people retaliate.

I once heard this in a meeting, "If in the course of a day, I meet one person that I suspect is an ***hole, there is a chance that I am right about that person. But when everyone I meet is an ***hole, then I am actually the ***hole."

I thought life was about being happy. I was wrong. Life is about taking the personal responsibility to contribute to the world. Once I become a giving member of society, I stand a greater chance of personal satisfaction and sobriety.

That's the change I believe in.

A 12-Step New Year

2009-01-01T08:03:00.004-06:00

I believe in making one, doable New Year's Resolution each year. Since sobriety is my first priority, my resolutions usually have to do with the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Here's a few program-related ideas to kick of a more deeply sober 2009:

1) Suit up and show up. Resolve to go to more meetings. Already go to one every day? Then show up to events like committee meetings, picnics, dances, and workshops. If you're feeling a little burned out on your homegroup, resolve to get to some meetings at other groups.

2) Take your relationship with your HP farther. If your HP is of a major religion, visit the house of worship in your area and experiment with worship services or the religious education program. Read some books about others' spiritual journeys to keep your own reflections fresh.

3) Streamline your 7th Tradition. If you have the means, write your homegroup a check for $365 dollars and be done with it for the year (no more fumbling for change during meetings!)

4) Take care of any lurking sponsorship issues. If you don't have a sponsor, get one. If you're not calling her, start calling each day. If you feel stalled, tell her. If you can't tell your sponsor, your program is dicey.

5) Reach out. It's normal to develop a "gang" you keep up with within the program, but it's easy to isolate within that clique. Resolve to call someone who's hurting, even if it's just to say "Hey, call me whenever you want to." Introduce yourself to some you don't know well. Ask someone to join you for coffee after the meeting (or accept the invitation if you never usually go)

6) Amp your service. If you suspect that you don't do enough around the group, change that, even if it's by washing coffee mugs or vacuuming the floor.

A Christmas Message From Bill W.

2008-12-25T10:46:00.002-06:00

To all AA members

Greetings on our 10th Christmas, 1944. Yes, its' in the air! The spirit of Christmas once more warms this poor distraught world. Over the whole globe millions are looking forward to that one day when strife can be forgotten, when it will be remembered that all human beings, even the least, are loved by God, when men will hope for the coming of the Prince of Peace as they never hoped before. But there is another world which is not poor. Neither is it distraught.

This is the world of Alcoholics Anonymous, where thousands dwell happily and secure. Secure because each of us, in his own way, knows a greater power who is love, who is just, and who can be trusted. Nor can men and women of AA ever forget that only through suffering did they find enough humility to enter the portals of that New World. How privileged we are to understand so well the divine paradox that strength rises from weakness, that humiliation goes before resurrection; that pain is not only the price but the very touchstone of spiritual rebirth. Knowing its full worth and purpose, we can no longer fear adversity, we have found prosperity where there was poverty; peace and joy have sprung out of the very midst of chaos. Great indeed our blessings! And so Merry Christmas to you all - from the Trustees, from Bobbie and from Lois and me.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

How Not to Be My Sponsee

2008-12-13T13:42:00.002-06:00

Every few months I get several requests to sponsor someone, and I take each request very seriously. However, often I'm the only person taking it seriously. So if you want me to sponsor you, here's some things you shouldn't do....

1) Get drunk. While this sounds like a "duh" item, many alcoholics aren't quite sure they have a problem, despite their loss of job, freedom, family, friends, credit and home. Something hasn't quite clicked yet. If you're not sure you have a problem, if you think you were convicted of DUI due to a clerical error, please do not come to me.

2) Call me only when you need a ride/money/sofa to crash on, etc. The BB tells us that sponsors (I know, I know, the term "sponsor" isn't used in the BB) are not to be bankers or nursemaids for your sprees. That does mean you.

3) Lie. If I ask you a question, I am expecting a truthful answer. Better you say nothing to me than lie. If you lie, be willing to interrupt yourself and say, "Okay, sorry, I'm lying. The honest answer is ..." This way you will not only learn not to lie, but you will also have the kind of relationship with your sponsor that will help you stay sober.

Judge Not - Unless It's Your Job!

2008-11-19T18:17:00.002-06:00

Check out newly-instated Judge Kevin Fine - one of us who just made it all the way to the bench! (the sentencing side of it - not the side being sentenced!)

Stone Cold (Sober) Case - Can You Help?

2008-11-18T12:45:00.002-06:00

Please call the Snohomish County Sheriff's office if you have any information in the murder of Kenneth Westphal

How It Works - The Original Version!

2008-11-17T12:48:00.004-06:00

A few weeks ago, an oldtimer created a bit of a stir by reading the original version of How It Works at the beginning of our meeting.

Many people (read: newcomers) were visibly uncomfortable with the hardline voice contained therein, but I loved it!

My favorite passage is this one:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas: (a) That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. (b) That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. (c) That God can and will. If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!

The hardcore crux of the matter of alcoholism is that the only existing solution is the development of a spiritual life. That might look that the religion of one's upbringing, but it certainly doesn't have to. As long as it's a God of the drunk's understanding, he's on the way.

If you won't work to discover who that God is, get yourself up of that seat so someone who will do the work can have it. You have obviously not hit bottom yet. You may wish whatever drove you in here was your bottom, but it wasn't. You need to go lower.

I was about to write "and may God help you then." But you wouldn't agree with that yet, huh?

One day you will.

Thank you Gabriella!

2008-11-17T12:44:00.002-06:00

Please check out Gabriella's blog All WHo Wander Are Not Lost, and not just because she likes The Trudge Report!

Gabriella, not only do I thank you, but BF thanks you for reminding me to post more often!

You're NOT an Alcoholic If ...

2008-11-12T09:21:00.005-06:00

You don't understand the concept of a 6-pack (isn't one enough?).
You question the concept of "Happy Hour" - who would be in a bar for a whole hour?
You immediately stop drinking when you start to "feel it".
You have ever left an alcoholic beverage unconsumed for any reason
You have no booze in your home, and that's not because you already drank it all
After any sip of an alcoholic beverage, you have ever uttered the phrase "Whoa, this is too strong!"
You're not sure where your neighborhood liquor store is.
You especially look forward to events that are alcohol-free - no idiot drunks around!
You purchase wine for cooking purposes, and you actually do cook with it.
On second thought, you do have some alcohol in your home: a bottle of something someone gave you for Christmas, which is still unopened, and now covered in a layer of dust. You totally forgot about that thing! Maybe you can re-gift it to someone this year.

It Still Sucks - Career Limiting Version

2008-11-08T22:50:00.000-06:00

Somebody please get this poor bastard some aspirin, Gatorade, and the want ads!

Day 14

2008-11-08T22:30:00.004-06:00

What a strange two weeks it's been. I believed that two weeks of praying for my "enemy" would enlighten me, but I had no idea that I would learn that ...

1) Forgiveness is an act, not an emotion. Each day, I prayed, whether I felt like it or not. Halfway through this, I realized I had to let her off of my psychological hook, whether I felt like doing that or not either.

2) Life changes in an instant, and in ways we can't imagine. If you'd told me two weeks ago that P would be sitting in prison right now, I'd have been shocked. It's easy for me to think that the way life looks at a particular moment is the way it will always look. I have been dramatically reminded that life has it's own pace.

3) HP really is in control. Others can do things intending their actions to harm me, but HP can use those very acts of theirs to benefit me.

4) This disease is no joke. I just had a ringside seat for someone's relapse and subsequent imprisonment. I have relished this reminder that while sobriety is fellowship and service and friendship, alcoholism is jails, institutions and death.

Day 13

2008-11-06T22:46:00.001-06:00

It's official - P appears on the county jail list of active inmates.

This has been a humbling thing to watch, in that it reminds me of the gravity of alcoholism. While I've been doing this for many years, I have never witnessed someone go back out and then also witness their downfall - everyone I've seen go back out just disappears.

Throughout my day I have found myself marveling at the things I can do and experience that she will not be able to for a long while: taking my son to school, deciding what to prepare for dinner, cleaning the house ... none of these things seemed mundane today. They seemed like gifts.

It is Gratitude Month, indeed.

It Still Sucks: Prayer Project Version

2008-11-05T21:35:00.003-06:00

NP is not going to weekends in the clink after all - she is going to do 2.5 years!!

Wow.

A friend of hers just called and told me. She has to report tomorrow morning.

One of the sad things about this (certainly not the saddest, but it shames me) is that a few weeks ago, I'd have been celebrating.

Day 11

2008-11-04T23:24:00.001-06:00

Met with my sponsor tonight and among other things, discussed The Prayer Project. I am to call her and tell her I'm willing to meet, but not to expect much, since we hear from several sources that she is still drinking ....

Day 10

2008-11-03T20:20:00.004-06:00

Here's a wrinkle in the semi-formed plan to meet P to talk: she has been sentenced to serve the next three weekends in the county jail. She was convicted of alcohol-related probation violations. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow - I will discuss with her the actual meeting, if she will even see me (it was P's idea, but I'm used to things changing around here).

Day 9

2008-11-02T20:31:00.003-06:00

Ugh - another major realization, and I can tell it's going to be good for me b/c it hurts ...

Last night I "turned off" my resentment towards P. I literally just told myself after a speaker meeting that it was time to quit waiting around to "feel" like doing it and just think myself into right feeling. And it worked! That's the good news.

The bad news is that resentment is how I masked to myself a lot of other feelings about some other relationships. Once I switched off the hatred, I had to look at myself.

My sponsor thinks this is wonderful (she's a hardass, which I why I asked her). To me, it feels like an emotional bikini wax.

Day 8

2008-11-01T21:14:00.003-06:00

Over halfway through the Prayer Project. I have to admit, I think it's working. I can honestly say that I am willing to meet with her.

It reminds me of the feeling I had when I first got sober: lots of future-tripping (as BF calls it - that's freaking out over events that have not occurred yet). When I actually picture meeting with her, I can't even imagine what I would say.

I must discuss again w/my sponsor. At least now I can discuss it in a spirit of willingness now and not in a spirit of whining!

Day 7

2008-11-01T21:03:00.002-06:00

Okay, Day 7 was yesterday, please forgive. I fell asleep without posting, probably in part from heavy reflection in this issue...

I have also realized that I have learned through this program to have some measure of peace about my son's father, who is, empirically, a major pain in the ass. I have learned not to get too wound around the axle about his latest stunts, and he concerns my son. Therefore, I have no excuse to not practice the same behavior with P.

I need to lower my expectations, and accept her for who she is, because I am powerless over her behavior.

Day 6

2008-10-30T18:54:00.003-06:00

Little to report on Day 6 besides digesting yesterday's mini-lightning bolt.

"This is a sick man. God save me from being angry." - The BB

Day 5

2008-10-29T19:47:00.002-06:00

Last night I was studying "More About Alcoholism" in the BB w/my sponsor when I had an epiphany about P.

It happened when I read this sentence: "In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like." I immediately thought of her going back out over her breakup with my ex. Frankly, I empathized with her at that moment, not because I thought drinking was a good idea, but I have certainly done such things in the past myself.

So why haven't I had any compassion for her?

And I realized I haven't had an compassion for her because she hasn't asked for any. She has always come flouncing in to meetings like her drama just didn't happen. She has never once shared with anyone (to my knowledge) that she is in spiritual pain, and she needs help. If she expressed that, I would feel some sympathy for her.

So the question for me is, do I have to wait for her?

Day 4

2008-10-28T18:19:00.002-06:00

Day 4 convicts me to speak the way I want to act. Example? I probably should no longer describe P as "someone I can't f-ing stand". If I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all.

Praying For Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: Day 3

2008-10-27T20:32:00.003-06:00

Slight bump in the road today, in that I was comfortably seated in the noon meeting when P walked in. The moment I saw her I got the increased pulse and feeling of dread that I feel whenever I see her. Well, it's more like dread and indignation, but anyway ...

I had already sat down next to yesterday's victim and we were chatting when she walked in and saw us both sitting together. For a moment she looked like she might need an emergency potty break.

She spent the rest of the meeting Not Seeing Us. I thought to myself with a twinge of pity, how long before you can't look at any of us in here?

Praying For Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: Day 2

2008-10-26T18:49:00.003-06:00

Two days of praying are behind me. I am praying that P gets everything I would want for myself and for the willingness to continue to do this, because it really isn't easy.

However, a strange thing has already happened. Yesterday P and my ex broke up, but P called Ex later on and asked him for a ride to that night's meeting. He declined and said he was taking someone else (okay, with her track record, probably not the best thing to tell her, but I digress).

P then calls the poor woman chairing this meeting, and asks her to call her when the meeting is over and tell her who Ex brought to the meeting. Chair told her she would do no such thing because it violates the Traditions (good for her!).

So P hung up on her mad as a wet hen, and then called her back and left her a snotty voice mail about whether she had the required amount of time to chair the meeting anyway. P then left me and BF each the same message.

I mention all this not because the drama itself it particularly weird (it's par for the course when P's around), but because of the effect it's had on my thinking about her.

I have been in recovery long enough to know what to do when I have a resentment. I could put all that BB stuff to music and dance to it. So why have I not wanted to forgive P for what she's done? What real harm have I suffered? BF and I are stronger than ever. I have lost no friends over this. I didn't get drunk.

I've been afraid to forgive P because I've feared that if I do forgive her, she will do all that crap again.

But she's still doing it! Yesterday proves it.

When I was little there was this cartoon about Ralph and Sam. They were wolf and sheepdog, and every morning, they punched in on a time clock and Sam went to guard the sheep and Ralph tried to steal them. Then the whistle would blow at the end of the day, and Ralph and Sam would say a cordial goodnight to each each other and go home. They each were who they were, and they did what they did, and it was nothing personal.

P and I are not so different from Ralph and Sam. We get up every morning, and we each do the best we know how to do. Neither of us gets up and says to ourselves "I'm really going to f--- things up today!" (regardless of what it may look like). One tries to steal, one tries to keep.

Just be glad you're not a sheep in this little town!

Forgiving Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: The Series

2008-10-25T21:21:00.004-05:00

I'm embarking on a project in forgiving someone over the next 14 days, and I'll be chronicling it here. First, let's get the reader up to speed ....

I'm on a mission to forgive a woman in my home group whom I will refer to as P.

I have known P for almost a year, and during that time, she has

Openly gone after BF
Called BF's ex wife to report to her about us when he blew her off
Started going out with my ex (admittedly, this is their prerogative since I have moved on)
Once she felt my ex was paying too much attention to me, she called everyone on our group's phone list to tell them I was sleeping with him behind BF's back
Then drunkenly threatened to kill me during a meeting I was chairing

Knowing her has been like having a season pass to the Museum of Crazy.

So yesterday she calls and leaves me a voice mail, asking to meet me for coffee so she can make an amends to me.

Ugh.

I would rather have a bikini wax and then wade in a pool of rubbing alcohol than do that!

So I called my sponsor. She instructed me to let P know that I would call her once I was ready. Then, I am to pray for her every day for two weeks as described in the BB on page 552 of the 4th edition. Then, barring any new and especially insane developments, I will meet with her.

Ugh.

Last night I prayed for her for the first time....

Method and My Madness

2008-10-23T08:11:00.003-05:00

Things I tried in order to control my drinking before getting into recovery:

Only drinking beer
Only drinking on weekends
Drinking only one drink per hour
Drinking only after eating
Only drinking at home
Only drinking when away from home
Seven Weeks To Sobriety
Self-hypnosis CDs (that's humbling to admit!)

Gone in 60 Seconds

2008-10-13T08:18:00.002-05:00

I did a small job for our area's upcoming Gratitude Gala recently, which allowed me to meet the District officers and volunteers. The chairman of the Gala committee was 2 years sober. He seemed really enthusiastic about the event.

He relapsed this weekend, and the money the District fronted him for the event is gone.

You know, I couldn't really care less about the money. Really what gives me the heebie-jeebies is the concept that in seconds, all my sobriety can be gone. Years of work, vanished. The trust I have earned inside and outside the recovery community, ruined.

It's terrifying. It makes me grateful for my sobriety. It reminds me that the enemy still stalks me, and my HP is my only defense.

Why closed meetings?

2008-10-09T07:52:00.003-05:00

A comment on my previous post brought up the very good question: why closed meetings?

A closed meeting is a meeting in which anyone who has a desire not to drink that day is welcome. It doesn't matter if it's your first meeting or your thousandth. Doesn't matter if you desired to drink the day previous, or you'll be drinking the next day. It doesn't even matter if you'll drink right after the meeting in question. All one needs is the desire not to drink to attend a closed meeting.

An open meeting is open to the public. While that sounds nice and fuzzy, let's remember who makes up the public: ex-spouses, bosses, probation officers, reporters, nosy neighbors, in-laws ... in short, all sorts of folks you might not feel comfortable sharing in front of. They do not need to have a desire not to drink, just a sense of curiosity. They are not bound by the traditions of anonymity. Alcoholics who are deeply concerned about their own anonymity may choose not to attend open meetings for this reason, and that's their right.

A is for Alcohol

2008-10-07T19:52:00.003-05:00

Today we had someone new to our CLOSED meeting identify himself as a sex addict. He continued on to say that he "was told to go to as many meetings as possible."

Yeah, probably meaning SA meetings, dumbass, not any 12-step meeting you come across!

The primary purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous is to carry the message to the ALCOHOLIC that still suffers. If you are attending a closed meeting, you need to have a desire not to drink today to stay seated. If you're looking forward to celebrating a full day without looking at porn on your computer with a couple of beers, you should not attend A.A.

The Two Deadly-Sin Topics

2008-09-30T15:02:00.002-05:00

There are two topics I don't touch in meetings: politics and religion. I don't even like people wearing clothing advertising their opinions on these matters to meetings (although I don't say anything about it).

The most basic reason is that I was raised in a home where there was One Opinion on these matters. I did not always share that opinion, and I was lambasted by family members because of it. It hurt to think that such hurtful behavior was okay as long as the topic of discussion was something that will never actually be solved.

No one human being is going to be proven "right" in either of these arenas, whether alcoholics or not. What many do prove themselves to be as they pontificate is hostile, overbearing and/or condescending.

The Big Book tells us not to approach newcomers in the spirit of "witchburning" on the subject of alcohol. I personally expand that to politics and religion as well. We endorse nor oppose any causes.

The program's predecessor, the Oxford Group, was humming right along until its members decided to get involved in political matters. Then, Oxford experienced problems of money, property and prestige, and it is now history.

In my private life, BF and I discuss politics amongst ourselves, but we don't bring those discussions into meetings. It's my hope that few, if any, in my home group know where I stand politically.

It Still Sucks - Celebrity!

2008-09-30T08:19:00.001-05:00

At least she's turning herself in and not hiding!

It Still Sucks - Celebrity!

2008-09-29T13:48:00.001-05:00

Latest celebrity DUI

What We Do

2008-09-29T08:49:00.003-05:00

A few days ago, a newcomer vented in a meeting that he had no idea what to do with himself now that he wasn't drinking. Suggestions ....

1) Go to as many meetings as possible. When I first got sober, I went to three meetings a day. I got to know everyone, got to work making coffee and emptying ashtrays, and got comfortable with the whole process a lot more quickly than newcomers doing one meeting a day.

2) Get a job or keep your job. If you're not busy during the day, of course your mind will wander. Get a job, volunteer somewhere, or amp your performance at the job you have.

3) Clean house - literally. If you're sober, you have no excuse for living in a sty. Clean up after yourself around your home

4) Read the Big Book. If reading at home is too quiet and isolating, get thee to your nearest coffee shop or library and actually read the book everyone keeps raving about.

5) Serve your group. Does something need to be done at your meeting place? Then do it! Volunteer to wash the coffee mugs or clean the bathrooms. We are self-supporting through our own contributions, and that doesn't just mean money.

Always and Forever

2008-09-24T20:15:00.003-05:00

I believe that I have always been an alcoholic, from the day I was born. I remember sipping my mother's gin-and-tonics and thinking about how great it would be to be an adult and have one (or seven) all of my own - and I was five!

I don't ever remember having one drink, ever. I drank until a) there was no more booze in the zipcode I was partying in or b) I passed out. I sometimes hear folks referring to "becoming" an alcoholic - sorry, can't relate.

The Big Book tells me that I must accept that I will never drink like a normal person, assuming I ever did in the first place. I spent several years wondering if I had a drinking problem. Ironically, normal drinkers don't wonder if they are alcoholics!

I have probably sat in thousands of meetings. I have no idea how many times I've read the BB or the 12&12, but I know it's several times apiece at a minimum. Every single day of my life for years, I have spoken to at least one recovering or wanting-to-recover alcoholic.

But this is not rehab. All of that listed above does not eradicate my disease. There is no chemotherapy for this. It helps me hone my spiritual dimension that in turn makes me able to go one more day sober. Then I will get up tomorrow morning and God willing, do the same things again, with the same result.

I have blue eyes, horrible vision, a great sense of humor, and alcoholism - it's who I am, and who I always will be.

I believe that she believes!

2008-09-23T08:06:00.003-05:00

I have a new sponsor, whom I meet with most Monday nights. Last night I asked her about her employment history, not as an interview question, but because she really appears to me to have it all together, and I'm going through a not-very-all-together season in my life right now with this putrid job at the courthouse.

As God would have it, she told me that when she was about as sober as I am now, she had a job at our local sheriff's department, and she hated it. My mouth was probably hanging open as she said, "When I say that I know what you're going through, I really mean that."

What never ceases to amaze me about this program is how a bunch of folks you would never dream in a million years would be spiritual develop spiritual lives that save our very lives! No two paths completely the same, and most widely varied.

Then the really amazing concept is that the program itself has thrived for seventy-odd years. Sure, there's more alcoholics in the world than the world wants to admit, but none of them want to join until things are really bad (I tell newcomers that by the time some entity is discussing incarceration with you, you are officially a drag on society). As a group, we have more divorces, bankruptcies and prison time than most social strata in the world, and yet it works!

So last night when my sponsor told me to believe that she believes, I agreed, and I do. She has good reason to believe!

Lesser sins

2008-09-22T16:06:00.002-05:00

I have developed a peeve about folks that share about wanting to quit smoking or eating junk food in meetings, and as Glenn Beck would say, here's how I got there:

I know that both smoking and junk food are bad for us. I worked for PepsiCo for many years, and you don't even know the kind of money that's spent making you think that Cheetos count as a serving of dairy. I know that smoking causes all kinds of horrible conditions, and in many cases, death (assuming that death is actually a horrible condition - I've never been dead, so I can't speak to that specifically).

Neither tobacco products nor junk food will cause me to:

Kill someone if I get behind the wheel of a car after consuming them
Engage in acts of violence, domestic or otherwise
Face any sort of jail time for my ensuing behavior
Lose my job
Lose my family

12-Step programs are named for the substance that its members are trying to break an addiction to. If I have a drinking problem, I should be in A.A. If I have a drug problem, I should be in N.A. The Big Book tells me that we meet frequently to encourage each other and show newcomers the way.

We encourage each other from a sense of survival, what the Big Book refers to as the camaraderie among survivors of a shipwreck. We are each day escaping death - not an additional dress size or a bit of a cough.

I can hear it now: but M, smoking and obesity can be fatal!

I agree, and I would add to that list traveling via any kind of vehicle, immersing ourselves in any body of water (including the shower) ... the list goes on and on. In fact, 100% of births result in death.

The difference is that I literally can not stop drinking without total abstinence, reading the Big Book, working the 12 steps with my sponsor, praying to my Higher Power and being of service to others. Those who feel that their lives are unmanageable due to their powerlessness over tobacco would find the most fellowship in Nicotine Anonymous.

2008-09-20T13:39:00.004-05:00

"No outside circumstances will offer us full time and forever the security we all long for. And in like manner, none will adversely interfere with our well being, except briefly and on occasion." - Each Day a New Beginning

I was sharing the other day in a meeting that I chose to drink at almost five years of sobriety several years ago.

I did that because I secretly viewed the program as a game show: surely for having given up the love of my life (booze), there will be cash and prizes: perfect man, perfect children, perfect lifestyle, perfect finances. I mean what the heck do we read those promises for anyway?

But when I read the Promises closely, they actually do not describe the acquisition of things, but of feelings: feelings of courage, optimism and usefulness. They do not promise me money, but losing my fear of financial insecurity.

I am not enjoying this season of sobriety: a job I was so excited about has melted down before my eyes. I am seeking something just to keep the rent paid and food on the table. More than likely it will involve less money, a more strenuous schedule and the public perception that my life is going backwards, not forwards.

But what other people think of me is none of my business.

Most of the world has not had to give up the substance they love the most in order to survive, so most of the world doesn't understand that I would really like a nice round of applause at the end of the day for not drowning my sorrows in a swimming pool of margaritas. But that applause is not coming.

I need to find the reason to keep doing this inside myself, every day. I need to keep my daily reprieve.

2008-09-19T08:41:00.003-05:00

"I pray that I will find happiness in doing the right thing. I pray that I will find satisfaction in obeying spiritual laws." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

So much temptation to not do the right thing! I daydream about lashing out at these maladjusts that for some reason I have been given as coworkers.

But now I get emotional hangovers when I lash out at people, whether they deserved or not! My conscience is no longer silenced by booze. When I act in ways that conflict with my HP's standards, it haunts me emotionally until I make it right. My HP says I should pray for my enemies.

It's work to be sober!

So today, I will not tell any of these in-duh-viduals to bugger the f*** off, put exlax in the coffee to watch them kill each other getting to the potty, or remove the ball from every mouse in the building and watch them inundate IT with their ignorance.

My HP also says "Better a dry crust in peace than a feast with a cantankerous woman," which authorizes me to look for a new job.

Let the resumes fly!!

No Salesman Will Come To Your Door

2008-09-18T08:33:00.002-05:00

Every so often at my home group when desire chips are offered, people attempt to "sell" a newcomer on getting one ("go ahead!", "they're free!", "don't you want one?"). The culprits are always the pink-clouders with a few weeks or months and are now out to sober up the world.

But the world at large does not want to get sober. The latest estimate of the adult population in my little city is 100,000. If ten percent of the U.S. population is estimated to be alcoholic, that's 10,000 of us in this city alone (and if you ever get a chance to read our city's police blotters, you'll probably agree that's a reasonable estimate). I've never seen more than 50 people in a meeting around here.

Alcohol was everything to me. I wouldn't have actually said that out loud, even to myself, but it was. Nothing got between me and my drink, whether I had to hide it, lie about it or steal it. But I would have indignantly told you I was i no way an alcoholic.

Step One says that we admitted that we have a problem. Webster's defines "admitting" as "confessing". My confession came from hitting bottom - that point where life itself showed me that I had a problem, and I had to agree.

One of the great mysteries of life for me is why some people admit this earlier in life than others. Why did I come in after a few fender-benders and get this, while we have folks court-ordered to attend who are right back out the minute the last line of their form is signed?

The closest I've come to an answer to this riddle lies in "How It Works": I get this when I am capable of rigorous honesty. Until that day, you could keep your chip.

Powerless, The Sequel

2008-09-17T08:28:00.004-05:00

Step One is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”

But I am learning that "drinking is but a symptom" of my disease. Once I subtract the booze, I am left with my brain, and I've been pouring booze on that since I was an adolescent!

Today, Step One reads for me "I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanagable."

When I came into the program, I had a string of booze-related traffic accidents that each should have resulted in a DUI, but for some reason, they didn't. Maybe because I didn't need them to: once I wrecked a rental car with scant knowledge of what I'd done the next day, I knew I had a problem, and I wasn't going out in some blaze of glory. Jails and institutions didn't sound like anything I wanted to experience.

Lately with my anxiety running amok, I am missing out on my life to agonize over things that haven't happened. I am not sleeping, and I am almost constantly tormented by "what if?"

Unmanagability!

I am powerless over the behavior of others in my life. If people are acting out in my life, that's their choice: I can't hit some mute button and silence them (trust me, I'd have done it by now).

Step One freed me from the moment I walked into the program to get better. I have the relief of my problem having a name. I have a Big Book that tells my life story. I have people around me that understand.

Now I need to keep working, to get more relief.

OT: Tag cloud!

2008-09-16T22:17:00.002-05:00

A big Trudge Report thanks to the genius behind the tag cloud code over at Compender - finally a code I could get working on this blog! If you're blogging on Blogger and want a painless way to put your tags in a cloud, I highly recommend this!

Normal People

2008-09-16T08:05:00.003-05:00

"Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why, once a certain point is reached, little can be done for him. We cannot answer the riddle." ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 22~

There was a point in my life at which I was so far-removed from the concept of "normal" drinking that a doctor actually had to explain it to me. After I had honestly told him about the volume of alcohol I typically consumed every day (well, more honestly than I ever had before - I'm sure I was still rounding down to the nearest quart), he told me that there were people in the world who might have one or two alcoholic beverages in an evening and call it a night. I couldn't picture it! Frankly, I still can't.

Last night I met with my sponsor and told her all about my fears in dealing with a workplace bully. It occurred to me as we talked that WB is not talking over her issues with me with anyone right now; she has no sponsor, she has no program. Statistically speaking, she's probably not got any issues with alcohol (Little Debbies, maybe, but I am not to diagnose another individual).

It's true what I hear in meetings so often (damn it): the person I resent probably doesn't give a flip about me - I am only harming myself. WB gets up in the morning and does what she feels is her best every day. She was a WB before I got here and she'll be one when I leave.

My son is going through the "why" phase of life - his response to everything is "why?" When I don't know the answer, I tell him that God made it that way.

Ironically, being normal prevents her from experiencing the fellowship of this program. Last night in the midst of my anxiety crisis, I felt very loved by the people in the program I have come to respect and trust.

I do not need to drink over this, over though I don't know why this is happening.

Fear vs. Faith

2008-09-15T10:44:00.002-05:00

"You can rest in the faith that God will take care of you." - 24 Hours a Day

I am struggling with my anxiety in ways I haven't had to since my custody battle over a year ago. I am freaked out about my job, my son's father, and my bio-family. I'm distraught with worry to the point that I have physical symptoms.

Today's Language of Letting Go devotional reads, in part "The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and our Higher Power by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, 'Nothing good ever happens to me... I'm just a victim... People can't be trusted... Life isn't worth living'?"

That's the way I used to handle this, along with lots of booze. If mounting the pity pot worked for me, I would probably go back to that pattern, because it's easy - it's what I know.

But it doesn't work. Pitypotism has gotten me nowhere in life.

Gratitude towards the events is tough. I know I am grateful for income coming in. I know I would not miss knowing my wonderful little boy even knowing what I know now about his father. I am grateful for HP making me able to do my best with him, and people tell me that my best with him is pretty darn good. I am grateful for my non-biological family in the program.

It Still Sucks - Celebrity!

2008-09-12T10:24:00.002-05:00

Getting high is so chic, isn't it?

http://www.dlisted.com/node/28225

Shudder!

2008-09-12T08:37:00.003-05:00

A Dozen Steps has a great post today about the importance of accepting responsibility for our own behavior. I especially enjoyed it because this matter came up among some of my homegroup's members this week.

Story as old as A.A. time: newcomer has a little time, and the persistant folks in the warrants division of the county she used to live in located her to discuss with her a rubber check she wrote that she hadn't amended. She doesn't want to go to jail.

So a member called BF and me, asking if we would like to contribute to the cause of keeping her out of the pokey. We said collectively something along the lines of "Not just 'no', but 'hell, no'."

I do not bail people out of jail, ever. You are incarcerated because there is reasonable cause to believe that you have broken the law. Your name wasn't drawn out of a hat for random, causeless arrest.

We put people in jail for breaking the law because a) we as a society would like you to stop harming others and b) imprisonment may teach you not to pull that stuff again. The longer you cool off in there, the less likely you are to repeat your offense.

One of the cases in our courtroom yesterday was a young man, barely over 18, with a file an inch thick. This particular day he was pleaing on 8 different counts. His mother had already posted a $600 bond, and then paid an additional $400 as a result of his remaining issues.

Think he learned not to break the law yesterday? No way! What he learned yesterday is that mom will bail him out. Mom won't have any money saved for her own security in life, but I can assure you he doesn't care about that.

The best thing his mother could have done for him and for herself yesterday was say, "Well son, I hope you can come up with $400 this afternoon," and gone home to mind her own business. An al-anon working a program would call this "helping someone find bottom".

But our newcomer's story has an encouraging ending: instead of taking others' money, she went with her sponsor and turned herself in to the county jail. She was arrested and detained for 90 minutes, and paid what fines remained after her jail credit was applied.

Now, she need not fear this issue ever again: she's paid her debt. She doesn't owe anyone for bailing her out. She has a new degree of respect and encouragement from folks in the meetings. Fear of people in that county has left her!

"They always materialize if we work for them."

2008-09-11T09:25:00.001-05:00

"Everywhere life is full of heroism" - Max Ehrmann

Intervention may not be so divine ...

2008-09-10T21:33:00.003-05:00

Tonight someone from my home group asked me to participate in an intervention for one of our female members who, if the stories are true, is back out drinking and in rapid decline. I haven't reflected much on the concept of intervention in a long while, but my thoughts on the matter haven't changed much:

1) Interventions aren't really for the alcoholic, but for her friends and family. If most alcoholics wanted help at this time, they would have sought it on a less dramatic scale. However, friends and family attending this event should be past the breaking point with this person: if she doesn't get help, she is out of each attendee's life until she does.

2) Threats won't work, but promises might. Any friend or family member is wasting his time participating in an intervention if he can't carry out on his statement to have no contact with the alcoholic if she refuses help. In fact, he might be worsening the problem by undermining the entire production.

3) It's now or no. She doesn't get to leave the room without making a decision. She's either going to treatment right this very second (which means transportation has to be somewhere waiting) or she is exiting the lives of everyone present. No scheduling issues, no upcoming events, no more excuses.

4) Leave law enforcement out of this. If the alcoholic is in legal trouble, some families have arranged for officers to be present to take her into custody if she refuses treatment. I think this is blackmail and therefore doomed to failure. If she's only going to treatment to avoid incarceration, you may as well grab a few 12-packs for her Welcome Home Party, because she's going to want them!

My Search for Meaning

2008-09-09T10:04:00.003-05:00

Hazelden's recovery thought for today from The Language of Letting Go reads, in part "Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.That will make us crazy.We do not always know why things are happening the way they are.... In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold in the larger picture."

Life often makes no sense to me from the seat I'm assigned in the present. For example, I am now a couple of months into a job that more than likely is not going to work out, and that has been a great disappointment to me. I have no idea how many times I have thought to myself, "Why is this happening to me?" or second-guessed myself for taking this job in the first place.

If I'm not vigilant, I will get into woe-is-me, and that's not good for my sobriety. The Big Book tells me that "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men" and depression, as many professionals will tell you, is anger turned inward.

I come into this place each day, and I remind myself that I am here to be of service. I do what I know is the right thing at each moment, trying not to worry about what the future holds. This place was not built to fill me emotionally, so to expect emotional fulfillment here is irrational.

My favorite story in the book of my faith is the book of Job. Job is this all-around success story: well-to-do, great family, and respect in his community. One day, God and Satan are talking, and God says, "Hey Jerkalope! Check out Job! He is one of my biggest fans!"

The devil says, "Well sure he is - you've given him everything. Take away his stuff and then see how much he loves you - I dare you!"

And God does, and Job, though miserable in his new, cruddy phase of life does not lose his faith that God sits supreme in the universe, doing everything for everyone's greater good.

The best part of the story for me is that Job specifically asks God why He took everything, and God doesn't ever tell him why. I love that because it tells me that it is not my job to know why things happen. It is only my job to respond properly.

Suicide

2008-09-08T10:29:00.002-05:00

I've said before that we are often not seated in a vast hotbed of mental health when we go to meetings. The Big Book tells us that there are times when medical attention is necessary to help us sort out our thinking.

Bad things happen to us, even when we're sober: relationships end, jobs are lost, loved ones die. This is part of life, and we're learning to live it on life's terms. Many of us then find that once we remove the alcohol from our brains, we see depression, anxiety, and other related mental conditions.

So it's not uncommon to encounter someone talking about suicide as we trudge this road to happy destiny. These are the common signs of potentially suicidal behavior, provided by the United States Army (and they would know!)

• Talking or hinting about suicide
• Formulating a plan to include acquiring the means to kill oneself
• Having a desire to die
• Obsession with death (music, poetry, artwork)
• Themes of death in letters and notes
• Finalizing personal affairs
• Giving away personal possessions

Suicidal ideations are most common is those who are experiencing life changes that they perceive as totally negative, such as:

Relationship problems (loss of girlfriend/boyfriend,divorce, etc.)
• Substance abuse issues/relapse
• Work related problems
• Transitions (retirement, adult children leaving home, etc.)
• Serious medical problems
• Significant loss (death of loved one, loss due to natural disasters, etc.)
• Current/pending legal action
• Setbacks (academic, career, or personal)
• Severe, prolonged, and/or perceived unmanageable stress.
• A sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and/or hopelessness

When someone we know talks about suicide or displays these nonverbal signs listed, it should always be taken seriously. Loved ones of those with these issues should immedaitely get some mental health services for these folks - as much as the depressed individual might not want you to, it could very well save their lives.

Need or Want?

2008-09-04T08:18:00.005-05:00

Last night I heard in a meeting something I haven't heard in a while: "You never need to take another drink again if you don't want to."

I can't begin to estimate how many times I uttered the phrase "I need a drink" in the Before Times. I really felt I did need a drink - I didn't think I was exaggerating!

My dictionary defines "need" as "a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation", and that's what alcohol became for me. It was no longer optional.

But the other way of defining "need" is the things that make my survival possible. I literally need food, reasonable clothing (a Louis Vuitton Galliera GM bag does not fall into this category, unfortunately), shelter, and access to medical care. In those terms, I did not need a drink.

*Note: the effects of physical withdrawal from alcohol can be fatal, which is why in some cases, those doing 12-step calls take with them a little bit of booze. In this one scenario, a drink is in fact needed.

But I sure thought I needed it, because I knew no other way to live. I had to get with the Program to learn to not drink, clean house and help others. I do not need to ever drink again if I don't want to.

It's my wants that bite me in the proverbial ass every time. The BB specifically tells us that "selfishness and self-centeredness" is "the root of our problems." Basically, that I was roaming the earth a slave to my wants, winking at what each new acquisition might cost me. Tough day at work? Have far too many drinks and then drive my wobbly self home - I deserve some fun!

Ironically, my favorite toast in any situation was "We may not get what we want, we may not get what we need, as long as we don't get what we deserve!"

And I was right.

New feature! "It Still Sucks" ...

2008-09-03T15:19:00.002-05:00

Just in case you're thinking this sobriety thing is too much work, check out the items I'll be posting under the "It Still Sucks" label ... remember, you're eligible too!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DALLAS — A car driven by a drunk driving suspect with four previous DWI arrests raced away from a sheriff's deputy, ran a red light then went airborne after a wreck and landed on top of an SUV, killing a newlywed couple inside, authorities said.

Second-grade teacher Erika Clouet, 24, and her husband of a little over a month, construction worker and aspiring musician German Clouet, 23, of Irving, were killed in the accident early Monday.

The driver, Uriel Perez Palacios, 22, of Dallas, remained in the hospital Tuesday. His passenger had to be cut from the vehicle and was also hospitalized.

Officials on Tuesday charged Palacios with two counts of murder and three counts of intoxication assault. A phone listing for Palacios could not be found.

Palacios was arrested as recently as June for driving while intoxicated and was released after paying a $500 fine. He was also involved in two police chases and had four outstanding drug and DWI warrants, officials said.

A Dallas County sheriff's deputy pulled over Palacios around 2 a.m. Monday after spotting him weaving through traffic, authorities said. As the deputy approached the car on foot, Palacios sped off with his lights off and drove through a red light, striking a sport utility vehicle carrying five Southern Methodist University students.

Palacios' car went airborne and crashed into the Clouets' SUV, crushing it and killing them at the scene, authorities said. The couple was returning from a date at the movies.

"She was a wonderful teacher and will be greatly missed," said Irma Vega-Zadeh, the principal at the elementary school where Clouet taught.

At least three others were injured, including two SMU students who were hospitalized with non-life threatening injuries.

"Many deputies said it was one of the worst accidents that they ever saw," Dallas County Sheriff's Department spokeswoman Kimberlee Leach said in a story on The Dallas Morning News' Web site. "You couldn't make out what kinds of vehicles were involved."

Sponsor vs. Friend

2008-09-03T08:34:00.005-05:00

In my opinion, getting a sponsor and then actually calling her is one of the most important things we can do to stay sober. Sponsors are there to guide us through the 12 Steps, assist us in studying the Big Book, and understanding recovery culture. My sponsor knows things about me that no one else on this planet earth knows, and shows me how to deal with that Deep Dark Stuff without taking it to Happy Hour.

However, it's important to understand that this relationship is meant to go one way only: I am not to counsel my sponsor on things. My sponsor has a sponsor she does her work with. While my sponsor knows everything about me, she is not my "buddy". Why not? Thanks for asking!

1) A friend is someone who wants me to like her. My sponsor tells me the cold, hard truth as I need to hear it, and that has repeatedly saved my ass. Her delivery is not clouded by whether or not I will still like her after she tells me what she knows I need to hear.

2) I know where my friends' "buttons" are. We know most of our friends well enough to know their emotional weaknesses, and, let's face it, we sometimes exploit them when it serves our purposes. Example: if I'm doing something that I know my sponsor-who's-become-my-buddy doesn't approve of, I start "earning" her approval with things that will shift her focus off of my (probably sick) behavior, such as giving gifts, loaning money, and generally kissing ass. My buddy now feels all warm and gushy about me, while I continue to engage in wrong stuff.

3) My friends don't have any formal authority over me. Because I am careful to recognize my sponsor as my sponsor, I have a respect for her that I might not show my friends. For example, if she tells me something that rubs me the wrong way, I pretty much sit there and take it because I know I need to hear it. I don't argue with my sponsor, because I have too much respect for her to disagree. If I'm arguing with my sponsor, I do not have the kind of respect for those that have figured this thing out that will help me stay sober.

4) My friends might develop a resentment towards me, but my sponsor won't. Doctors aren't allowed to operate on members of their immediate family for a reason: their judgement will be too clouded to award the family member their best ability. Sponsors know how to react to sponsees: with (tough) love and tolerance, and that's about it. They should not become so emotionally involved with sponsees that they develop resentments.

5) My sponsor will not violate my trust. Friends sometimes blab, especially when they feel that blabbing may help you (and it typically doesn't). Sponsors understand the grave importance of their relationships with sponsees, and that complete confidentiality is to maintained at just about any cost. Note: I tell women I work with that I will get them the appriate help if they tell me that they are thinking about harming themselves or someone else.

Blog w/Massive Recovery Resources!

2008-09-03T08:16:00.002-05:00

Hey Fellow Trudgers - be sure to check out DryBlog for a massive amount of information, including some of our sister programs. I've been checking it out for several days now, and I still haven't gotten through it all.

The World Out There

2008-09-02T08:47:00.004-05:00

"How lucky we are, that we can experience that divine spark with one another, and with all recovering women. The program offers us the chance, every moment of our lives from this day forward, to experience divinity. All we are asked to do is be there, for one another, to share fully who we are. Vulnerability gets easier as we learn that we can trust each other, that we can share pain, that it's okay to pull and prod and follow, first you and then me and then her." - Each Day a New Beginning

The Program is without doubt a fellowship. It's darn near impossible to go to meetings every day and not develop the kind of close friendships never possible for while we were drinking. All of my friends and BF are in the Program. All the socializing I did this holiday weekend was Program-related.

But I need to be very careful in my thinking about those who are not recovering alcoholics - you know, "normal people" (those freaks that have one serving of alcohol and then stop because they are "starting to feel it").

I got sober because my ability to function in the world was declining. Now that I'm sober, I am a mom, an employee, BF's girlfriend, a friend, a volunteer ... in other words, I am now functioning out in the world again. That's the whole point of sobriety for me.

Society fears alcoholism, and it should: drinking alcoholics are responsible for almost all of this country's fatalities that involved booze, from driving while intoxicated to domestic violence and everything in between. We kill an average of 18,000 innocent bystanders each year just by getting behind the wheel of a car drunk. To add insult to society's injury, we tend to survive these vehicular homicides because we're so drunk!

Sure, I have "normal" people in my life who don't really "get" this recovery thing, but they didn't "get" my drinking either. I have realized that they aren't ever going to fully understand, and it's not their job to understand me. The Big Book tells me that my end-all mission in life is to be helpful, not to hope others help me.

I am the only Big Book most people will ever read.

Brand-spankin-newbies

2008-09-01T09:56:00.004-05:00

Q: I am completely new. I am going to AA meetings, but I find my pain so overwhelming. What do I do?

1) Go to every meeting you can possibly make. Forget this 90-meetings-in-ninety-days stuff - if you can make three meetings a day, do it. Going to meetings is the most important thing you can do, after not drinking of course.

2) Actually sit in the meeting. Do not fall into the habit of hanging out with the folks who are technically at a meeting, but not really (they're outside smoking, etc.) I refer to this area of my group as Relapse Row for a reason.

3) Stay physically and mentally busy. If you have a job, go the extra mile at work. Clean your house like the Prize Patrol will be there any moment with cameras. Return phone calls immediately (unless they're from the dealer). Call people who are supportive of you. In other words, do whatever it is that keeps you from drinking. If you're sitting around with nothing to do, go to a meeting or get busy.

4) Get a Big Book and read it. Most groups sell them. Our public library has them to check out. If you don't have the money, ask one of the women at your group if you can borrow hers. Then read it.

5) Get a sponsor. This early in recovery, this is simply someone you feel you can call and honestly say, "Okay, I want a drink - what do I do?" Any sponsor worth having will require you to call her every day. Don't overcomplicate this by trying to find the "perfect" person - you're not marrying this person, you're just calling them and asking them how to do this thing.

6) Cut yourself some slack in 0ther areas. We are not drinking - that is the goal. This is not time to quit smoking or start a diet of ground walnut shells and yak milk. In fact, I take newcomers for ice cream after meetings on a regular basis. This is because alcohol is sugar (I'll spare you the chemistry, just trust me, it is), and by suddenly not drinking, your body is jonesing for some sugar.

7) Remember that you are only doing this TODAY. One day at a time - if you're really miserable, promise yourself you'll get drunk as Ted Kennedy tomorrow, but today you're sticking it out.

It doesn't seem like it right now dear, but you're in for the greatest experience of your life if you're willing to go to any lengths to get it.

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Now playing: Mourning September - Glorietta
via FoxyTunes

Anonymity

2008-08-28T08:28:00.003-05:00

Mark posted over at A Dozen Steps a very interesting item about being "too anonymous", something I have never pondered before.

When I first came to the Program several years ago, I told no one until I had 45-60 days of sobriety (I can't remember exactly how much time I had, to be rigorously honest). Then I started "coming out" to people. This is how I found out that everyone knew I had a drinking problem, but few said anything about it. I would muster up the courage to tell family and close friends, and no one had the decency to act shocked or ask me if I wasn't being a little bit rash. Instead, everyone said, "Oh M, that's wonderful!".

Like I was the last one to know or something! Sheesh ...

So now I'm in to win, but I still have to be mindful:

I don't volunteer it, nor do I hide it. When I am offered a drink by a so-called-normal person, I decline politely. If it is offered again by the same person, I state that I do not drink alcohol. If that person then asks why, I reply that I am allergic. Yes, I am then tortured by the standard tale of Someone-They -Sort-Of-Know-Who-Breaks-Out-in-Hives-If-She-Drinks-151, but I have not made the Normie uncomfortable by stating that I'm in recovery.

I put others' anonymity before my own. The vast majority of my friends are in recovery. If a normie asks how I met a recovering person, I simply say "Through friends" or "At a get-together." I may not care that the normie finds out I go to meetings, but my recovering friend might!

I accept the fact that in some arenas, recovery makes normal people nervous. When I lived in Dallas, I was told by several folks that there existed a super-secret meeting close to a major airport only for airline pilots. It was invitation only. I know that this is a potential violation of Tradition One. In reality, I want airline pilots (and doctors and lawyers and all other professionals who often hold the course of other's lives in their hands on a daily basis) to be able to get this thing, and if that means super-secret meetings, so be it!

I think about my internet usage carefully. Social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook pack a double-edged sword: they help me meet others in recovery, but they also have all kinds of vehicles for breaking others' anonymity.

And so do blogs, so as usual, I sign off with no name!

What "if"?

2008-08-27T10:08:00.004-05:00

So it's the end of August, and being month number 8 going into month number 9, many around here are gearing up to do their amends, or at least to brag about doing them in meetings. It's a heavy subject going in and a freeing experience going out, Here's what I've learned about the process along my way ...

1) I can owe amends to people even if they do not appear on my 4th step list. I have found this to be especially true for those newer in sobriety. The 4th step list is my list of resentments/fears/generally nasty feelings. However, I can harm people without even knowing it. This is why the twelve steps differentiate between a "fearless moral inventory" and "a list of all persons we had harmed". These can be two separate and different lists.

2) I should not attempt to make an amends if I'm not really sorry. Having a resentment is like active alcoholism: everyone can see it, regardless of how I think I'm covering it up. If you know deep down that you're not a bit sorry for what you did, you will almost always make the situation worse with a new act of dishonesty. The Big Book says that in this case we should pray for the willingness to make amends in these cases.

3) I should not make a direct amends to someone in order to manipulate them. When I did my first amends list, I couldn't wait to go to an old flame an apologize for the way I would sometimes speak to him when I had been drinking. I was genuinely sorry about that, but what I truly wanted deep down was to show him that I had sobered up and that now he should give our relationship another chance. Selfishness and self-centeredness was about to become the root of yet another problem! If I am still trying to control others' behavior, I am going to drink again, and luckily my sponsor saw through my sanctimonious b******t and forbade me from contacting him in any way.

4) I should remember that Internet is usually the easier, softer way. If my sponsor authorizes me to make a direct amends to someone, I need to see that individual in person. Anything else is cutting corners, with a couple of exceptions:

You physically can't appear before them - you are a soldier deployed to a combat zone, you are incarcerated, etc. If someone has a protective order against you, DO NOT VIOLATE THE ORDER.

They refuse to see you - this is their right, and we respect that, no questions asked.

The expense of travel will be a financial hardship on you or your family - if you need to make amends to someone who is now a missionary in Pongo Pongo, airfare would certainly bite into the budget of the average family. We are responsible for our family's food, basic clothing or shelter in all stages of our recovery.

So, with this said, have a happy amends list! If I've left anything out here ... I apologize!

Bonus post for moms!

2008-08-26T13:14:00.001-05:00

If you're a mom on the road to recovery, check out the ladies at SoberMoms:

http://sobermoms.ning.com/

Replacing fear with faith

2008-08-26T10:26:00.004-05:00

I am a world-class worrier - if worry were an Olympic sport, I'd have been on a Wheaties box years ago. I have spent many years worrying about things that have never happened. I justified my drinking with the release from worry that it gave me for many years.

Now that I am sober, I have to deal with the same brain. As the country song goes, "I've got this thinkin' problem ...". This is why I need to read each day something out of Dale Carnegie's book Stop Worrying and Start Living. This book's techniques have helped me immensely with my weird need to freak out.

Here's an example: yesterday was the first day of school for my son. This is his second year in the public school system. Just like the first day of last year, my son's father called the school and told them I have enrolled my son under false pretenses (I don't know what that means), threatening to sue the school, the principal, and the district.

Last year, I got really upset about the scene he made - I envisioned him dragging me back into court, giving a judge another chance to take my son away from me. I literally began plotting strategy for a hearing that never took place.

I didn't enjoy it any more this year: I apologized to the school administration and filed his bizarre e-mails in the stack I've had for years now. What's different is that I recognize that he is the same size as me in the eyes of God. The same laws of nature apply to him - if they didn't, they would be called The Laws of Nature Except for Evan J. So this year I'll do some things differently:

I won't throw gas on grill when there's nothing to cook. Because we both answer to Nature's Law, I do not need to get drawn into a verbal pissing match with him. It does no good and wastes precious moments from my life - I didn't divorce him to keep fighting with him!

Get correct perspective. Most human behavior has a pattern, and he is no exception. He sends all parties involved ugly threatening e-mails and letters, demanding that everyone do his bizarre bidding. No one responds, and then one day, it stops like a hurricane losing steam. There will be another soon, but they always pass without any real incident.

Adjust my expectations. I have a court order directing my legal obligations in raising my son, and I obey that court order. He has not. Therefore, it is a reasonable assumption that he will continue to disobey. It is unreasonable to think that one day after 45 years of societal narcissism, he will say to himself, "Hmmm... maybe I should be of service to others, rather than a blight on my community? I'll start by ceasing to harass my ex-wife."

Embrace the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that Evan and I will end up before the original judge again over less than a year's worth of custody, and I can show that I have obeyed every letter of his order, and then show him the stack of e-mailed rants (which I affectionately call the Book of Crazy) and his failure to pay child support. Unpleasant? Yes. But nothing I couldn't handle.

Use same mental energy for something constructive. I turn the mental power I would have misused worrying to keeping documentation of all of this, while working on my ability to stay calm and nonplussed by these outbursts (which isn't easy). Keeping my side of the street clean isn't always easy, but it always rewards us.

Sometimes I think Dale Carnegie might have been one of us!

Weary

2008-08-25T10:04:00.002-05:00

CAUTION: WHINING FOLLOWS

It's called "trudging" for a reason ...

From 24 Hours a Day:

"Never yield to weariness of the spirit. At times, the world’s cares and distractions will intrude and the spirit will become weak. At times like this, carry on and soon the spirit will become strong again. God’s spirit is always with you, to replenish and renew. None ever sincerely sought God’s help in vain. Physical weariness and exhaustion make a time of rest and communion with God more necessary. When you are overcome by temporary conditions which you cannot control, keep quiet and wait for the power of the spirit to flow back."

May God forgive me, I would like a day off from my life today. I would like to be in one of those sappy movies where I wake up in someone else's life and learn to appreciate my own. I am tired of potty training. I am tired of setting up the new place. I am tired of worrying about money. I am tired of dealing with my soon-to-be-ex husband. I am tired of reporting to this new job and sitting over here in Storage Room B having no one talk to me or give me any direction. I am tired of not getting BF's just-about-total attention. I am tired of being exhausted all day and not sleeping at night. I am tired of having hideously chapped lips from this stupid Accutane (which I might have to discontinue if I keep feeling this way).

A few days ago I called my parents to tell them (prematurely) that I thought we were making some real potty training progress. My mother said to me, "That's great news honey! When I saw you were calling I just assumed something was wrong - I thought 'Uh oh'".

Wow - that's nice. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

How Not to Share in a Meeting

2008-08-25T08:57:00.004-05:00

1) Don't introduce yourself as an alcoholic/having the desire to stop drinking in closed meetings. Yes, yes, I know, nowhere in the BB does it say that you have to introduce yourself as an alcoholic. However, by attending closed meetings, you're making that statement with your very presence. If you can't verbally admit it, you probably shouldn't be sharing.

2) Share at every meeting you attend. For HP's sake, do NOT let a meeting go by without your input! Gosh knows some folks only get to hear you once a day.

3) Share even through you're more than 15 minutes late. I understand that doctors and like professionals attend meetings, and that those schedules don't bend to meeting times. However, if one is late because the line at Golden Corral was longer than anticipated, this may be your HP's way of saying you're meant to listen for what little time you have left in the meeting.

4) Go as long as you like. Anything longer than five minutes is ego. Most folks attend discussion meetings in order to hear the thoughts of more than one person. If you would like to take up the whole meeting, please get with whoever coordinates your group's speaker meetings and volunteer to speak at the appropriate venue.

5) Say the same thing, every single time. I sit in meetings with people whose sharing I can literally mouth the words to, like a song. That just ain't right.

6) Share at people. This is the practice of lecturing someone about something in a meeting rather than discussing it one-on-one with your victim. Meetings are not the venue for our personal vendettas - if you have something to say to someone, say it to them offline. If you can't do that, don't use your group's patience as a social crutch.

Please drink reponsibly

2008-08-22T08:37:00.004-05:00

Few advertising taglines rouse emotion in me like "Please drink responsibly". This is always muttered at the end of an ad featuring vogue-magazine-urbanites sipping the latest mixed drinks. Everyone is beautiful, rich and happy. Like all advertisements, the implication is the same: if you buy our product, you will be beautiful, rich and happy too.

Booze companies are not legally required to include "please drink responsibly" in their advertising, but most do in order to try to prevent lawsuits when their consumers get a little too beautiful, rich and happy.

I very much wanted to drink responsibly, and I tried everything to master this concept. I tried:

1) Only drinking certain types of alcohol (only the liquid kind)

2) Limiting myself to one drink per hour - lots of clock watching ensued, until I learned to limit myself to 1 quart per hour.

3) Self-hypnosis CDs - yes, I'll admit it. I spent almost $100 on a series of CDs in which a very calming female voice informed me as I passed out each night that I prefer water, tea or juice. After about 4 or 5 nights of this, I had powerful urges to drink my vodka with juice instead of straight - that's all that got me.

4) The vitamin & mineral plan - there is a book still dominating the addiction/recovery category at Amazon.com entitled "7 Weeks To Sobriety". The idea is that alcoholics are deficient in certain vitamins and minerals. I purchased an obscene amount of pills at my local Whole Foods Market (plus a case of hard cider), and over the next few weeks had the most beautiful hair, skin and nails I've had in years. I was too drunk to enjoy them though.

Only through the 12 steps and participation in the program have I gotten sober. I have already performed the BB's experiment of trying "some controlled drinking" and it didn't work. That "please drink responsibly" admonishment is targeted at people who drink like me, and the irony is, I can't drink responsibly!

While researching alcoholism, I have read about the "controlled drinking movement". These are folks who feel that they have moved from problem drinking to moderate, social drinking. Most controlled drinking websites and literature I have read are quite hostile towards A.A., disparaging the concepts that one might be powerless over alcohol and might find relief in a Higher Power's help.

No reciprocal resentment here: if you can control your drinking, I say congratulations! Members of any 12-step program should only seek to be helpful to others who might suffer as we did, not to recruit new members like some Rotary Club for drunks. When a newcomer walks in, I am not trying to sell her anything. Your way of living can be vastly different from mine, and maybe your way of drinking can be too - that's not for me to judge.

Detatchment

2008-08-21T09:56:00.002-05:00

Even though I am no longer drinking, I still have situations and people I would like to control. Actually, I probably have more desire for control since I got sober because I now know what's going on around me! But sobriety got a lot easier when I truly realized that I do not control anyone.

Now my issue is worry - if I don't control anyone, how the hell are things going to turn out "my way"?

At the beginning of every meeting, I am reminded that the BB does not cover getting my way, "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us....We cease fighting everyone and everything."

Melodie Beattie writes in The Language of Letting Go, "We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening."

A couple of months ago, I had a routine medical test come back with murky results. The doctors wanted much more detailed x-rays to see if I had the disease my aunt died from a few years ago. My family worried about it, asking me daily whether I'd gotten the results back yet and glancing at each other nervously when I replied "not yet".

Luckily, I consulted God on this one, asking Him to take this issue, because I just didn't have the energy to worry about it. This is not like me, to be rigorously honest: typically I worry myself into a sleepless fit. But sure enough, the second round of tests eventually came back showing a perfectly healthy body.

My family's worry, though well-intentioned, did not change my test results. It's not like I had cancer until the fifth straight day my mother went without sleep (in fact, medical professionals will tell you that worry can worsen patient's health - none of them will advise you to worry like hell and then whatever it is will go away).

I need to train myself to view the things I worry about today as false-positive test results - they only look scary on the surface, but deeper investigation reveals nothing HP & I can't handle.

Honesty in relationships

2008-08-20T10:12:00.005-05:00

My program is a HUGE part of my life, and therefore my best friends, known associates, BF and xBFs are in the program too. These are the people who "get" me.

So this BF and xBF issue rears its ugly head sometimes, which is why I adore today's Language of Letting Go selection at Hazelden online, which includes this passage:

"But relationships equal two people who have equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they. Honesty is the best policy.We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours."

Relationships within the program are sticky, oftentimes because the parties often know each other, and on a more intense level than we "know" the so-called-normal people out in the world. In case you haven't noticed, meetings aren't always a hotbed of mental health.

To further complicate this, our little subculture has traditions and rituals meant to include all people, regardless of how our individual behavior rates on the Bullshit Meter. This is not the way the Outside World works, which is how we end up with folks who don't do so well out there (I work for the court system, and our Twelve Concepts include arrest, arraignment, extradition, plea deal, conviction, corrections, probation, parole ... you get the point).

Because of all this, it's easy for me to start thinking that I have to be equally "nice" to everyone in that room, regardless of the dynamics, because I want everyone to approve of me. I want everyone to hold hands and sing "Coom Bye Yah" (I'm pretty sure that's not how that's spelled).

But if I'm going to stay sober, I need to live in reality and honesty. You may not like hearing that what I can give in my relationship with you has changed, but it's true. I am responsible for being honest with you, and I'm powerless over your reaction to it.

Do I fear the disapproval your reaction might bring? Come on now, I'm a upper-middle-class girl from a southern gated community who was raised to be sweet and polite and popular - of course I do! But as I learned in my 4th step, my emotional security can't come from others, not if I'm going to stay sober.

The Urge to Drink

2008-08-19T10:37:00.005-05:00

There's this billboard between Hillsboro and Temple I am subjected to several times a month while transporting my son for his visits with his father, advertising beer with raspberry flavoring in it. The untreated alcoholic in me (whom I refer to as Britney - got everything in the world, but acting totally crazy) reads that billboard and thinks "Mmmm...raspberry... that would count as a serving of fruit, right?"

Personally, I think everyone in the Program experiences urges to drink, regardless of how long one's been sober. The BB says I have "a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition", which means that the urge can strike at any time. Here's what I've learned to do when the urge hits:

1) Pray to my HP. Specifically, when I see the Billboard From Hell, I say to myself "Wow, Lord, I am still in as much danger today as I was back then! Please help me."

2) Tell somebody as soon as possible, preferably another alcoholic. It's my experience that cravings fester when I keep them private. I call my sponsor, any of my friends in the Program, somebody I really don't know very well in the program, whoever. I said I would go to any length for victory over alcohol.

3) Take care of any hungry/angry/lonely/tired issues. If I'm hungry, I need to eat, and I believe in eating something comforting at these moments (there's another program for those of you that get nervous about eating - I'm an alcoholic, and if staying sober means I eat my way through a whole bag of M&Ms, so be it). If I'm tired, I need to rest as soon as practically possible. If I am lonely or angry, contacting another alcoholic will do the trick if I am willing to talk about those issues.

4) Get busy. Idle hands are the devil's playground, and my idle mind is Jim Beam's playground! I get a project, whether it's cleaning the house, taking a class, putting in some extra effort at work or doing service work around the club.

5) Wait for this storm to pass before exposing yourself unnecessarily to booze. Yes, the BB says that I can go anywhere if I have a legitamate social or business reason for going to a bar, boozing party, etc. But it also reads "Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!" On billboard days, I do not go places where alcohol is served without someone in the Program.

6) Remember that I'm staying sober today only. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I don't need to freak myself out with thoughts of never drinking again. I only need to keep it together today (and I can shorten today by going to bed early!).

This isn't the most original post you'll ever read - it's basically what you would find in this FANTASTIC book published by AA Services.

But I hope it helps!

I Am Not Demi Moore

2008-08-18T09:34:00.004-05:00

Last week, I spoke with the mother of one of my clients, a 15-year-old who got a curfew violation. Client was a freshly-scrubbed, good-girl type of kid, and mom looked like the type of parent who would raise such a child. I asked mom what Client was doing out so late without a parent.

Mom told me while fighting back tears that Client met a 23-year-old male on Myspace who lured her out of the house to meet with him because he "just needed someone to talk to" (mandatory eye roll goes here). Mom wasn't too happy that Client snuck out of the house, but she was understandably elated when the police brought Client home and had 23-y-o in custody. God only knows what could have happened had those officiers not pulled up to a parked pickup truck in the middle of nowhere when they did. 23-y-o now sits in the county jail, and may very well end this year as a registered sex offender.

With us adults, nobody's going to jail - not for going out with someone much older than ourselves, anyway. But we are booking ourselves a whole litany of issues once the age difference gets into the double-digits.

It seems so hip when the celebrities do it, doesn't it? I can't pick up a women's magazine that doesn't laud Demi Moore for hooking up with Ashton Kutcher. But it's important to note that Demi Moore is worth, at last estimate, $50 million dollars. She does not have to go to work everyday. She does not see retirement looming on the horizon and think "Damn - better get to savin' some cash so I don't end up greating people at Walmart!" When she had small children, someone did the unpleasant stuff for her. She's had an estimated $600,000 worth of plastic surgery, and can easily afford to keep going.

But all of us non-celebs deal with reality, and the reality is that it's not always going to be smooth sailing for Older and Younger when they somehow hook up. Here's just a few of the items you have to look forward to:

1) Older is who he is by now. The older we get, the less likely we are to dramatically change our lifestyles. If I'm fifty years old and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs or have a long history of employment or legal problems, that's more than likely how it's going to be, and Younger needs to accept that.

2) Younger can still be anything she wants to be. This is the converse of #1. Younger typically has a world of career and educational opportunities out there. It's difficult for Older to estimate where life may take Younger, and Older needs to accept that.

3) Both need to get clear about having children. Younger and Older should be clear with each other about the concept of having children. When Older is male, this is typically a matter of whether the couple wants children, since men are fertile most of their lives. However, when Older is female, this is a physical issue. Conceiving becomes difficult after 40 (assuming Older is healthy. Smoking, poor diet and other poor health habits make this even more difficult). After age 45, half of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Menopause typically begains at 50. If this couple wants children, they need to save for the estimated $5,000 to $40,000 needed to adopt (and that's per child).

4) Jealousy and insecurity will be a much bigger deal. Older is always going to be insecure about the fact that he's, well, older. Younger needs to get certain phrases out of her vocabulary, such as "for your age" and "back in your day". Youngers should also not bring home things they feel might be helpful to Older, such as wrinkle cream, Viagra, hearing aid batteries, or disposable undergarments. Motive doesn't matter there - that's just an instant arguement.

5) Then there's money. If Older is financially successful, she's going to bankroll Younger to some degree. If she's not, Younger needs to be prepared to support Older through the most expensive years of life: retired from work, but still need to eat and take care of these mounting medical bills.

6) Ewwww..... If the age difference is greater than ten years, people are going to notice, and many will be creeped out by it. Rude and wrong, but true. Both need to prepare themselves emotionally for some social rejection, especially if they are into PDA. Anyone want to see the couple in the picture above get down? I rest my case.

Oh and, in the interest of disclosure, there is a 2.5 year age difference between BF and me. We are both pretty much who we're going to be, we have all the children we want, and we both fear greeting people at Walmart one day.

Watching My Language ...

2008-08-15T10:34:00.005-05:00

When I was drinking, I loved to tell people what to do. My two favorite phrases were "you need to ..." and "you have to ...". I was the quintessential director the BB talks about:

We are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.

Once I got sober, I realized that trying to force my will on others is a lot of work, and never truly works. I wasn't too sure what the alternative was, but since I was willing to go to any lengths to get sober, I decided to experiment with life and try not telling every blessed soul what to do.

Here's an example: today I received an e-mail from my soon-to-be-ex-husband about whether or not I should take the washer and dryer with me when I move. Naturally, I think I should, he thinks I shouldn't. Here's an exerpt from his message:

"I also need to know that you will be dropping off the keys to my lawyer after you have moved out.... and until we are totally settled with everything and what is yours and what is mine.... the washer and dryer need to stay there..... "

I got the word "need" out of my vocabulary except when it's really, well, needed (I just love that sentence!! Get thee to a meeting!). "Needs" are things we literally can't live without, such as air, food, water, shelter, etc. My ex clearly wants the keys and the appliances, but no one is going to die if he doesn't get them.

Semantics? Not in terms of sobriety. As a recovering alcoholic, I need to be very careful with the difference between my needs and my wants as they relate to others, and here's why:

1) Overstating my wants as needs helps others see me as dishonest and manipulative. If I say "I want the appliances to stay there until we've worked this out", that's a truthful statement by any standard. Telling someone that they need to stay there just isn't true on any level. People don't like untruth: Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

2) Overstating my wants as needs skews the real importance of the issue. Words are powerful. Most of us choose to introduce ourselves in meetings as alcoholics not because others might be confused about why we're there, but because we need to remind ourselves daily of our condition (occasionally I see someone prooftext the Big Book and pompously announce that that Big Book doesn't require that they introduce themselves as such. Technically that's true, but I'm checking my watch to see how long it takes you to get your drink on.).

I don't need this particular set of appliances. Let's face it, I can get a new set (actually, I've been lusting over the dryers with the new steam-clean settings). However, I don't want to get a new set. I want this set. In my reply, I state this exactly that way. It keeps the issue at hand right-sized in my own mind.

3) Overstating my wants as needs eliminates my HP from the equation. If I'm not careful here, I may start thinking that my soon-to-be-ex is the source of all clean laundry in the universe, that my son and I will be pounding our clothes against rocks in some creek somewhere if he doesn't "allow" me to take the appliances. If I get mired in a warr of words over this, I'm basically saying "Oh David, Great God of Rinse Cycle, how dare you smite me??"

When I did my 4th step, I recognized that my needs are not met by other people, but by God. I don't think it's overstating that case to say that I need some washer & dryer from somewhere. It is God's determination where that comes from. This takes him off the psychological "hook" for me. Now of course I don't like debating all this stuff, but it passes, and I need to not develop a resentment from it.

Now some reader out there is thinking, "But M, he's trying to screw you!" Well, maybe he is (finally), but that's not the point. Other people are going to disappoint me in this life, even though I am trying to stay sober. I don't get some sort of pass on assholes because I like alcohol too much. I have to stay sober in spite of what life presents me.

And that, by the way, is an appropriate use of the phrase "have to".

What I Was Like

2008-08-14T13:34:00.002-05:00

Once our noon meeting actually got started, today's topic was 'what is was like/what happened/what we are like now' because we had a newcomer present.

I've said before that when I started coming to meetings, I didn't get a "newcomers meeting" dedicated to me, thank God. I said in the previous post that folks don't hear me say "we'll love you until you love yourself", because I loved myself far too much when I came in, and that was my problem.

I felt that I was entitled to a lot better out of life, and if the rest of the world would spin in the direction I told it to go, everything would be great! As the BB says, "Selfishness! Self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."

The world tells us to work on our "self esteem". Amazon.com has an entire catagory of self-esteem books with over 2600 items listed in it. However, I have yet to meet an alcoholic that got sober by building her self-esteem. I've met plenty of women who have gotten drunk with their self-esteem, and I'm one of them.

Nor do I need to "embrace my inner child", whatever in hell that means. I spent my entire drinking life acting like one. Someone should have called Inner CPS over the way I treated my Inner Child! Maybe had to put in an Inner Foster Home? Anyway ... I am 37 years old and somebody's mom - time to be an Outer Grownup.

Get Offa My Pink Cloud

2008-08-13T22:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight's topic at the meeting was basically the non-Big-Book concept of the Pink Cloud. Jonathan Huttner describes this as "a period of time where the addict or alcoholic experiences a reprieve from the struggles associated with early recovery. These struggles are generally associated with the feelings of depression, anger, resentment, self pity and the realization of where their drug addiction or alcoholism has taken them.Upon experiencing this phenomenon for the first time, the addict or alcoholic is understandably excited. They begin to believe they now "hold the key" to their recovery."

I'll admit that I'm becoming a Big Book thumper, but I don't really have a problem with the concept of the Pink Cloud, as long as those of us with some time share with newcomers that it's temporary. In fact, I say float away on your little cloud, strumming your little Big Book harp as long as you keep some things in the back of your clearing mind ...

1) Women can't remember accurately the pain of childbirth. This allows us to want to continue to reproduce (if we did remember the human race would have died out years ago). In the same way, getting sober is work. The Pink Cloud helps us plow through it. This is a time to get some good habits. Harness the energy you have to go to at least one meeting a day, read the Big Book, get a sponsor, and actually call the sponsor.

2) The feelings you are experiencing are the result of your right action of putting down the booze. Once we do that, many bad things cease (I no longer wreck cars, drunk-dial people, go to work hungover, wonder what I said/did, etc.) and good things invariably happen (my family is pleased, job is going great, health is improved, etc.). It's easy to overgeneralize and assume I feel so good because of the good things that are happening to me and forget that the good things come from sobriety.

3) The bible says that "a friend reveals while an enemy multiplies kisses". When an oldtimer tells you that you don't know shit, s/he is telling you that because it's true, and you stand a better chance of staying sober once you accept it. I don't run around telling people that I'm going "to love you until you can love yourself" because I loved myself a little too much when I came in. I want to press the instant gratification button as often as possible. Therefore, when something hurts, I assume it's bad - a good rule of thumb for anything with blades, not so good for getting sober. One day the Pink Cloud ends, and you will have to decide whether you're going to keep doing this thing. The truth may piss you off, but it will also set you free.

4) The outside world isn't going to give you a tickertape parade for staying sober. This is not good news, but it's the truth. Therefore, I need to anchor my sobriety to a Higher Power that can't be removed from my life. The Big Book says "job or no job, wife or no wife" for a reason. Life still happens, whether I'm sober or not. If my HP is a man, a job, a car, or any other external thing, I'm in major trouble one day.

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Now playing: Kill Bill Vol 1 - Battle Without Honor or Humanity
via FoxyTunes

Make Your Own Warning Label!!

2008-08-11T15:40:00.002-05:00

I started to post about the boring-but-necessary things to remember for anyone who might read this mostly-recovery-related blog (ex: I donot speak for any 12-step program, I will not be using my full name here, etc.) when I came across this supremely awesome warning label generator!http://www.warninglabelgenerator.com/

Said everything I needed to say in a wry, attention-getting way and for free! Check it out!

Of course, if you are a truly toxic sociopath in dire need of a warning label, you will in no way show any interest in this.

I'm M and I'm an alcoholic

2008-08-09T19:22:00.002-05:00

I started blogging a while back on MySpace, and to my surprise, it felt good - kind of a venting process. Then a few days ago I came across the blog One Sober Alcoholic, and she really inspired me to write something more global about my path of recovery from alcoholism. And imagine how much great sharing I'm missing by not reading a little recovery material in the blogosphere!

As happy destiny would have it, the night I write my first post, I am so tired I am about to fall down. Time to indulge in a rarely-practiced ritual for me, which is zone out in front of the T.V. Hopefully I will have deep thoughts tomorrow ...