Tuesday, September 9, 2008

My Search for Meaning

Hazelden's recovery thought for today from The Language of Letting Go reads, in part "Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.That will make us crazy.We do not always know why things are happening the way they are.... In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold in the larger picture."

Life often makes no sense to me from the seat I'm assigned in the present. For example, I am now a couple of months into a job that more than likely is not going to work out, and that has been a great disappointment to me. I have no idea how many times I have thought to myself, "Why is this happening to me?" or second-guessed myself for taking this job in the first place.

If I'm not vigilant, I will get into woe-is-me, and that's not good for my sobriety. The Big Book tells me that "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men" and depression, as many professionals will tell you, is anger turned inward.

I come into this place each day, and I remind myself that I am here to be of service. I do what I know is the right thing at each moment, trying not to worry about what the future holds. This place was not built to fill me emotionally, so to expect emotional fulfillment here is irrational.

My favorite story in the book of my faith is the book of Job. Job is this all-around success story: well-to-do, great family, and respect in his community. One day, God and Satan are talking, and God says, "Hey Jerkalope! Check out Job! He is one of my biggest fans!"

The devil says, "Well sure he is - you've given him everything. Take away his stuff and then see how much he loves you - I dare you!"

And God does, and Job, though miserable in his new, cruddy phase of life does not lose his faith that God sits supreme in the universe, doing everything for everyone's greater good.

The best part of the story for me is that Job specifically asks God why He took everything, and God doesn't ever tell him why. I love that because it tells me that it is not my job to know why things happen. It is only my job to respond properly.


Supriya said...

this post means a lot to me, as does this entire blog. it's great to read your perspective on things, and though I'm sorry that your job sucks, I love the reference to Job and never understanding why things happen.
very well said.
hang in there.