"No outside circumstances will offer us full time and forever the security we all long for. And in like manner, none will adversely interfere with our well being, except briefly and on occasion." - Each Day a New Beginning

I was sharing the other day in a meeting that I chose to drink at almost five years of sobriety several years ago.

I did that because I secretly viewed the program as a game show: surely for having given up the love of my life (booze), there will be cash and prizes: perfect man, perfect children, perfect lifestyle, perfect finances. I mean what the heck do we read those promises for anyway?

But when I read the Promises closely, they actually do not describe the acquisition of things, but of feelings: feelings of courage, optimism and usefulness. They do not promise me money, but losing my fear of financial insecurity.

I am not enjoying this season of sobriety: a job I was so excited about has melted down before my eyes. I am seeking something just to keep the rent paid and food on the table. More than likely it will involve less money, a more strenuous schedule and the public perception that my life is going backwards, not forwards.

But what other people think of me is none of my business.

Most of the world has not had to give up the substance they love the most in order to survive, so most of the world doesn't understand that I would really like a nice round of applause at the end of the day for not drowning my sorrows in a swimming pool of margaritas. But that applause is not coming.

I need to find the reason to keep doing this inside myself, every day. I need to keep my daily reprieve.