That Damned Onion

You can't be in recovery long without hearing about the Onion: the work we do refines us on the inside, going deeper and deeper, getting to parts of our psyche like layers of an onion. As sick as I am of this metaphor, I have once again come up against the layer in me that always leaves me stuck, and stuck is something I can't afford.

I am 39 years old, but you wouldn't know it in the way I respond to my parents. I do not have adequate boundaries with them. When they are unhappy with me, I make myself physically sick with worry and anxiety. I'm a black-belt al-anon with everyone but them.

It ebbs and flows, and it is making me sick again. Whenever I tell them something I know will make them unhappy (mostly things beyond my control), the cycle begins: they go into a rant and I try to disappear inside myself or block them out or reason with them (never works).

Last night, I got a new sponsor, and told her all about it, that it was making me sick and I don't want to participate in the vicious cycle any more

So The Trudge Report is taking a bit of a turn, growing with my program. There's going to be a lot going on here about dealing with my parents. I'm finally sick of the onion making me cry.

Keep Calm and Carry On

I spent a good deal of my childhood in London, the capital of a country that bore much of the violence of World War II. Unlike American, many Brits remember their homeland being bombed, and experiencing the fear that Hitler's regime would invade. Americans lost loved ones, certainly, but the UK lost civilians, its mothers and children and grandparents.

During this time, the poster to the left appeared in the country's undergrounds and street corners, giving it's citizens wise advice that I use today.

Booze helped fuel my imminent sense of doom, usually over things that never actually came to pass. This anxiety spurred me to drink even more, and then I did things that really did cause me problems! It was a horrible way to live.

The first fruits of sobriety include knowing where I've been and who I've spoken to. I don't secretly wish I had an interlock device on my cell phone anymore (though I wish others did!).

Later, working the steps with a sponsor taught me discernment in my actions. If I feel stressed about something, I ask myself if it is real or imagined. I pray, turning the situation over to my Higher Power. Then I keep calm and carry on with the day set before me.

Day 5

Last night I was studying "More About Alcoholism" in the BB w/my sponsor when I had an epiphany about P.

It happened when I read this sentence: "In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like." I immediately thought of her going back out over her breakup with my ex. Frankly, I empathized with her at that moment, not because I thought drinking was a good idea, but I have certainly done such things in the past myself.

So why haven't I had any compassion for her?

And I realized I haven't had an compassion for her because she hasn't asked for any. She has always come flouncing in to meetings like her drama just didn't happen. She has never once shared with anyone (to my knowledge) that she is in spiritual pain, and she needs help. If she expressed that, I would feel some sympathy for her.

So the question for me is, do I have to wait for her?

Powerless, The Sequel

Step One is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”

But I am learning that "drinking is but a symptom" of my disease. Once I subtract the booze, I am left with my brain, and I've been pouring booze on that since I was an adolescent!

Today, Step One reads for me "I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanagable."


When I came into the program, I had a string of booze-related traffic accidents that each should have resulted in a DUI, but for some reason, they didn't. Maybe because I didn't need them to: once I wrecked a rental car with scant knowledge of what I'd done the next day, I knew I had a problem, and I wasn't going out in some blaze of glory. Jails and institutions didn't sound like anything I wanted to experience.

Lately with my anxiety running amok, I am missing out on my life to agonize over things that haven't happened. I am not sleeping, and I am almost constantly tormented by "what if?"

Unmanagability!

I am powerless over the behavior of others in my life. If people are acting out in my life, that's their choice: I can't hit some mute button and silence them (trust me, I'd have done it by now).

Step One freed me from the moment I walked into the program to get better. I have the relief of my problem having a name. I have a Big Book that tells my life story. I have people around me that understand.

Now I need to keep working, to get more relief.

Normal People

"Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why, once a certain point is reached, little can be done for him. We cannot answer the riddle." ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 22~

There was a point in my life at which I was so far-removed from the concept of "normal" drinking that a doctor actually had to explain it to me. After I had honestly told him about the volume of alcohol I typically consumed every day (well, more honestly than I ever had before - I'm sure I was still rounding down to the nearest quart), he told me that there were people in the world who might have one or two alcoholic beverages in an evening and call it a night. I couldn't picture it! Frankly, I still can't.

Last night I met with my sponsor and told her all about my fears in dealing with a workplace bully. It occurred to me as we talked that WB is not talking over her issues with me with anyone right now; she has no sponsor, she has no program. Statistically speaking, she's probably not got any issues with alcohol (Little Debbies, maybe, but I am not to diagnose another individual).

It's true what I hear in meetings so often (damn it): the person I resent probably doesn't give a flip about me - I am only harming myself. WB gets up in the morning and does what she feels is her best every day. She was a WB before I got here and she'll be one when I leave.

My son is going through the "why" phase of life - his response to everything is "why?" When I don't know the answer, I tell him that God made it that way.

Ironically, being normal prevents her from experiencing the fellowship of this program. Last night in the midst of my anxiety crisis, I felt very loved by the people in the program I have come to respect and trust.

I do not need to drink over this, over though I don't know why this is happening.

Fear vs. Faith

"You can rest in the faith that God will take care of you." - 24 Hours a Day

I am struggling with my anxiety in ways I haven't had to since my custody battle over a year ago. I am freaked out about my job, my son's father, and my bio-family. I'm distraught with worry to the point that I have physical symptoms.

Today's Language of Letting Go devotional reads, in part "The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and our Higher Power by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, 'Nothing good ever happens to me... I'm just a victim... People can't be trusted... Life isn't worth living'?"

That's the way I used to handle this, along with lots of booze. If mounting the pity pot worked for me, I would probably go back to that pattern, because it's easy - it's what I know.

But it doesn't work. Pitypotism has gotten me nowhere in life.

Gratitude towards the events is tough. I know I am grateful for income coming in. I know I would not miss knowing my wonderful little boy even knowing what I know now about his father. I am grateful for HP making me able to do my best with him, and people tell me that my best with him is pretty darn good. I am grateful for my non-biological family in the program.

Replacing fear with faith

I am a world-class worrier - if worry were an Olympic sport, I'd have been on a Wheaties box years ago. I have spent many years worrying about things that have never happened. I justified my drinking with the release from worry that it gave me for many years.

Now that I am sober, I have to deal with the same brain. As the country song goes, "I've got this thinkin' problem ...". This is why I need to read each day something out of Dale Carnegie's book Stop Worrying and Start Living. This book's techniques have helped me immensely with my weird need to freak out.

Here's an example: yesterday was the first day of school for my son. This is his second year in the public school system. Just like the first day of last year, my son's father called the school and told them I have enrolled my son under false pretenses (I don't know what that means), threatening to sue the school, the principal, and the district.

Last year, I got really upset about the scene he made - I envisioned him dragging me back into court, giving a judge another chance to take my son away from me. I literally began plotting strategy for a hearing that never took place.

I didn't enjoy it any more this year: I apologized to the school administration and filed his bizarre e-mails in the stack I've had for years now. What's different is that I recognize that he is the same size as me in the eyes of God. The same laws of nature apply to him - if they didn't, they would be called The Laws of Nature Except for Evan J. So this year I'll do some things differently:

I won't throw gas on grill when there's nothing to cook. Because we both answer to Nature's Law, I do not need to get drawn into a verbal pissing match with him. It does no good and wastes precious moments from my life - I didn't divorce him to keep fighting with him!

Get correct perspective. Most human behavior has a pattern, and he is no exception. He sends all parties involved ugly threatening e-mails and letters, demanding that everyone do his bizarre bidding. No one responds, and then one day, it stops like a hurricane losing steam. There will be another soon, but they always pass without any real incident.

Adjust my expectations. I have a court order directing my legal obligations in raising my son, and I obey that court order. He has not. Therefore, it is a reasonable assumption that he will continue to disobey. It is unreasonable to think that one day after 45 years of societal narcissism, he will say to himself, "Hmmm... maybe I should be of service to others, rather than a blight on my community? I'll start by ceasing to harass my ex-wife."

Embrace the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that Evan and I will end up before the original judge again over less than a year's worth of custody, and I can show that I have obeyed every letter of his order, and then show him the stack of e-mailed rants (which I affectionately call the Book of Crazy) and his failure to pay child support. Unpleasant? Yes. But nothing I couldn't handle.

Use same mental energy for something constructive. I turn the mental power I would have misused worrying to keeping documentation of all of this, while working on my ability to stay calm and nonplussed by these outbursts (which isn't easy). Keeping my side of the street clean isn't always easy, but it always rewards us.

Sometimes I think Dale Carnegie might have been one of us!

Weary

CAUTION: WHINING FOLLOWS

It's called "trudging" for a reason ...

From 24 Hours a Day:

"Never yield to weariness of the spirit. At times, the world’s cares and distractions will intrude and the spirit will become weak. At times like this, carry on and soon the spirit will become strong again. God’s spirit is always with you, to replenish and renew. None ever sincerely sought God’s help in vain. Physical weariness and exhaustion make a time of rest and communion with God more necessary. When you are overcome by temporary conditions which you cannot control, keep quiet and wait for the power of the spirit to flow back."

May God forgive me, I would like a day off from my life today. I would like to be in one of those sappy movies where I wake up in someone else's life and learn to appreciate my own. I am tired of potty training. I am tired of setting up the new place. I am tired of worrying about money. I am tired of dealing with my soon-to-be-ex husband. I am tired of reporting to this new job and sitting over here in Storage Room B having no one talk to me or give me any direction. I am tired of not getting BF's just-about-total attention. I am tired of being exhausted all day and not sleeping at night. I am tired of having hideously chapped lips from this stupid Accutane (which I might have to discontinue if I keep feeling this way).

A few days ago I called my parents to tell them (prematurely) that I thought we were making some real potty training progress. My mother said to me, "That's great news honey! When I saw you were calling I just assumed something was wrong - I thought 'Uh oh'".

Wow - that's nice. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Detatchment

Even though I am no longer drinking, I still have situations and people I would like to control. Actually, I probably have more desire for control since I got sober because I now know what's going on around me! But sobriety got a lot easier when I truly realized that I do not control anyone.

Now my issue is worry - if I don't control anyone, how the hell are things going to turn out "my way"?

At the beginning of every meeting, I am reminded that the BB does not cover getting my way, "We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us....We cease fighting everyone and everything."

Melodie Beattie writes in The Language of Letting Go, "We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don't work. Even when we're right, controlling doesn't work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening."

A couple of months ago, I had a routine medical test come back with murky results. The doctors wanted much more detailed x-rays to see if I had the disease my aunt died from a few years ago. My family worried about it, asking me daily whether I'd gotten the results back yet and glancing at each other nervously when I replied "not yet".

Luckily, I consulted God on this one, asking Him to take this issue, because I just didn't have the energy to worry about it. This is not like me, to be rigorously honest: typically I worry myself into a sleepless fit. But sure enough, the second round of tests eventually came back showing a perfectly healthy body.

My family's worry, though well-intentioned, did not change my test results. It's not like I had cancer until the fifth straight day my mother went without sleep (in fact, medical professionals will tell you that worry can worsen patient's health - none of them will advise you to worry like hell and then whatever it is will go away).

I need to train myself to view the things I worry about today as false-positive test results - they only look scary on the surface, but deeper investigation reveals nothing HP & I can't handle.