That Damned Onion

You can't be in recovery long without hearing about the Onion: the work we do refines us on the inside, going deeper and deeper, getting to parts of our psyche like layers of an onion. As sick as I am of this metaphor, I have once again come up against the layer in me that always leaves me stuck, and stuck is something I can't afford.

I am 39 years old, but you wouldn't know it in the way I respond to my parents. I do not have adequate boundaries with them. When they are unhappy with me, I make myself physically sick with worry and anxiety. I'm a black-belt al-anon with everyone but them.

It ebbs and flows, and it is making me sick again. Whenever I tell them something I know will make them unhappy (mostly things beyond my control), the cycle begins: they go into a rant and I try to disappear inside myself or block them out or reason with them (never works).

Last night, I got a new sponsor, and told her all about it, that it was making me sick and I don't want to participate in the vicious cycle any more

So The Trudge Report is taking a bit of a turn, growing with my program. There's going to be a lot going on here about dealing with my parents. I'm finally sick of the onion making me cry.

Keep Others Simple ... For Yourself

I hear and read a lot about "change" that will now sweep over our nation. Apparently we have all been living in downtrodden misery, and a new president is going to fix Everything (he could start over here by taking a look at my bathtub plumbing, but somehow I doubt he's got me on his book).

When I was drinking, I blamed everyone and everything else for my problems. My blurry bottom line was that life just wasn't treating me right. If life treated me right, I wouldn't drink!

The amazing thing was that I developed peace with life once I stopped drinking and learned through a program of recovery that life treats me the way it treats everyone else: if I'm a jerk, people retaliate.

I once heard this in a meeting, "If in the course of a day, I meet one person that I suspect is an ***hole, there is a chance that I am right about that person. But when everyone I meet is an ***hole, then I am actually the ***hole."

I thought life was about being happy. I was wrong. Life is about taking the personal responsibility to contribute to the world. Once I become a giving member of society, I stand a greater chance of personal satisfaction and sobriety.

That's the change I believe in.

How Not to Be My Sponsee

Every few months I get several requests to sponsor someone, and I take each request very seriously. However, often I'm the only person taking it seriously. So if you want me to sponsor you, here's some things you shouldn't do....

1) Get drunk. While this sounds like a "duh" item, many alcoholics aren't quite sure they have a problem, despite their loss of job, freedom, family, friends, credit and home. Something hasn't quite clicked yet. If you're not sure you have a problem, if you think you were convicted of DUI due to a clerical error, please do not come to me.

2) Call me only when you need a ride/money/sofa to crash on, etc. The BB tells us that sponsors (I know, I know, the term "sponsor" isn't used in the BB) are not to be bankers or nursemaids for your sprees. That does mean you.

3) Lie. If I ask you a question, I am expecting a truthful answer. Better you say nothing to me than lie. If you lie, be willing to interrupt yourself and say, "Okay, sorry, I'm lying. The honest answer is ..." This way you will not only learn not to lie, but you will also have the kind of relationship with your sponsor that will help you stay sober.

Day 14

What a strange two weeks it's been. I believed that two weeks of praying for my "enemy" would enlighten me, but I had no idea that I would learn that ...

1) Forgiveness is an act, not an emotion. Each day, I prayed, whether I felt like it or not. Halfway through this, I realized I had to let her off of my psychological hook, whether I felt like doing that or not either.

2) Life changes in an instant, and in ways we can't imagine. If you'd told me two weeks ago that P would be sitting in prison right now, I'd have been shocked. It's easy for me to think that the way life looks at a particular moment is the way it will always look. I have been dramatically reminded that life has it's own pace.

3) HP really is in control. Others can do things intending their actions to harm me, but HP can use those very acts of theirs to benefit me.

4) This disease is no joke. I just had a ringside seat for someone's relapse and subsequent imprisonment. I have relished this reminder that while sobriety is fellowship and service and friendship, alcoholism is jails, institutions and death.

Day 13

It's official - P appears on the county jail list of active inmates.

This has been a humbling thing to watch, in that it reminds me of the gravity of alcoholism. While I've been doing this for many years, I have never witnessed someone go back out and then also witness their downfall - everyone I've seen go back out just disappears.

Throughout my day I have found myself marveling at the things I can do and experience that she will not be able to for a long while: taking my son to school, deciding what to prepare for dinner, cleaning the house ... none of these things seemed mundane today. They seemed like gifts.

It is Gratitude Month, indeed.

It Still Sucks: Prayer Project Version

NP is not going to weekends in the clink after all - she is going to do 2.5 years!!

Wow.

A friend of hers just called and told me. She has to report tomorrow morning.

One of the sad things about this (certainly not the saddest, but it shames me) is that a few weeks ago, I'd have been celebrating.

Day 9

Ugh - another major realization, and I can tell it's going to be good for me b/c it hurts ...

Last night I "turned off" my resentment towards P. I literally just told myself after a speaker meeting that it was time to quit waiting around to "feel" like doing it and just think myself into right feeling. And it worked! That's the good news.

The bad news is that resentment is how I masked to myself a lot of other feelings about some other relationships. Once I switched off the hatred, I had to look at myself.

My sponsor thinks this is wonderful (she's a hardass, which I why I asked her). To me, it feels like an emotional bikini wax.

Day 8

Over halfway through the Prayer Project. I have to admit, I think it's working. I can honestly say that I am willing to meet with her.

It reminds me of the feeling I had when I first got sober: lots of future-tripping (as BF calls it - that's freaking out over events that have not occurred yet). When I actually picture meeting with her, I can't even imagine what I would say.

I must discuss again w/my sponsor. At least now I can discuss it in a spirit of willingness now and not in a spirit of whining!

Day 7

Okay, Day 7 was yesterday, please forgive. I fell asleep without posting, probably in part from heavy reflection in this issue...

I have also realized that I have learned through this program to have some measure of peace about my son's father, who is, empirically, a major pain in the ass. I have learned not to get too wound around the axle about his latest stunts, and he concerns my son. Therefore, I have no excuse to not practice the same behavior with P.

I need to lower my expectations, and accept her for who she is, because I am powerless over her behavior.

Day 6

Little to report on Day 6 besides digesting yesterday's mini-lightning bolt.

"This is a sick man. God save me from being angry." - The BB

Day 5

Last night I was studying "More About Alcoholism" in the BB w/my sponsor when I had an epiphany about P.

It happened when I read this sentence: "In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like." I immediately thought of her going back out over her breakup with my ex. Frankly, I empathized with her at that moment, not because I thought drinking was a good idea, but I have certainly done such things in the past myself.

So why haven't I had any compassion for her?

And I realized I haven't had an compassion for her because she hasn't asked for any. She has always come flouncing in to meetings like her drama just didn't happen. She has never once shared with anyone (to my knowledge) that she is in spiritual pain, and she needs help. If she expressed that, I would feel some sympathy for her.

So the question for me is, do I have to wait for her?

Day 4

Day 4 convicts me to speak the way I want to act. Example? I probably should no longer describe P as "someone I can't f-ing stand". If I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all.

Praying For Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: Day 3

Slight bump in the road today, in that I was comfortably seated in the noon meeting when P walked in. The moment I saw her I got the increased pulse and feeling of dread that I feel whenever I see her. Well, it's more like dread and indignation, but anyway ...

I had already sat down next to yesterday's victim and we were chatting when she walked in and saw us both sitting together. For a moment she looked like she might need an emergency potty break.

She spent the rest of the meeting Not Seeing Us. I thought to myself with a twinge of pity, how long before you can't look at any of us in here?

Praying For Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: Day 2

Two days of praying are behind me. I am praying that P gets everything I would want for myself and for the willingness to continue to do this, because it really isn't easy.

However, a strange thing has already happened. Yesterday P and my ex broke up, but P called Ex later on and asked him for a ride to that night's meeting. He declined and said he was taking someone else (okay, with her track record, probably not the best thing to tell her, but I digress).

P then calls the poor woman chairing this meeting, and asks her to call her when the meeting is over and tell her who Ex brought to the meeting. Chair told her she would do no such thing because it violates the Traditions (good for her!).

So P hung up on her mad as a wet hen, and then called her back and left her a snotty voice mail about whether she had the required amount of time to chair the meeting anyway. P then left me and BF each the same message.

I mention all this not because the drama itself it particularly weird (it's par for the course when P's around), but because of the effect it's had on my thinking about her.

I have been in recovery long enough to know what to do when I have a resentment. I could put all that BB stuff to music and dance to it. So why have I not wanted to forgive P for what she's done? What real harm have I suffered? BF and I are stronger than ever. I have lost no friends over this. I didn't get drunk.

I've been afraid to forgive P because I've feared that if I do forgive her, she will do all that crap again.

But she's still doing it! Yesterday proves it.

When I was little there was this cartoon about Ralph and Sam. They were wolf and sheepdog, and every morning, they punched in on a time clock and Sam went to guard the sheep and Ralph tried to steal them. Then the whistle would blow at the end of the day, and Ralph and Sam would say a cordial goodnight to each each other and go home. They each were who they were, and they did what they did, and it was nothing personal.

P and I are not so different from Ralph and Sam. We get up every morning, and we each do the best we know how to do. Neither of us gets up and says to ourselves "I'm really going to f--- things up today!" (regardless of what it may look like). One tries to steal, one tries to keep.

Just be glad you're not a sheep in this little town!

Forgiving Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: The Series

I'm embarking on a project in forgiving someone over the next 14 days, and I'll be chronicling it here. First, let's get the reader up to speed ....

I'm on a mission to forgive a woman in my home group whom I will refer to as P.

I have known P for almost a year, and during that time, she has

• Openly gone after BF
• Called BF's ex wife to report to her about us when he blew her off
• Started going out with my ex (admittedly, this is their prerogative since I have moved on)
• Once she felt my ex was paying too much attention to me, she called everyone on our group's phone list to tell them I was sleeping with him behind BF's back
• Then drunkenly threatened to kill me during a meeting I was chairing

Knowing her has been like having a season pass to the Museum of Crazy.

So yesterday she calls and leaves me a voice mail, asking to meet me for coffee so she can make an amends to me.

Ugh.

I would rather have a bikini wax and then wade in a pool of rubbing alcohol than do that!

So I called my sponsor. She instructed me to let P know that I would call her once I was ready. Then, I am to pray for her every day for two weeks as described in the BB on page 552 of the 4th edition. Then, barring any new and especially insane developments, I will meet with her.

Ugh.

Last night I prayed for her for the first time....

"No outside circumstances will offer us full time and forever the security we all long for. And in like manner, none will adversely interfere with our well being, except briefly and on occasion." - Each Day a New Beginning

I was sharing the other day in a meeting that I chose to drink at almost five years of sobriety several years ago.

I did that because I secretly viewed the program as a game show: surely for having given up the love of my life (booze), there will be cash and prizes: perfect man, perfect children, perfect lifestyle, perfect finances. I mean what the heck do we read those promises for anyway?

But when I read the Promises closely, they actually do not describe the acquisition of things, but of feelings: feelings of courage, optimism and usefulness. They do not promise me money, but losing my fear of financial insecurity.

I am not enjoying this season of sobriety: a job I was so excited about has melted down before my eyes. I am seeking something just to keep the rent paid and food on the table. More than likely it will involve less money, a more strenuous schedule and the public perception that my life is going backwards, not forwards.

But what other people think of me is none of my business.

Most of the world has not had to give up the substance they love the most in order to survive, so most of the world doesn't understand that I would really like a nice round of applause at the end of the day for not drowning my sorrows in a swimming pool of margaritas. But that applause is not coming.

I need to find the reason to keep doing this inside myself, every day. I need to keep my daily reprieve.

"I pray that I will find happiness in doing the right thing. I pray that I will find satisfaction in obeying spiritual laws." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

So much temptation to not do the right thing! I daydream about lashing out at these maladjusts that for some reason I have been given as coworkers.

But now I get emotional hangovers when I lash out at people, whether they deserved or not! My conscience is no longer silenced by booze. When I act in ways that conflict with my HP's standards, it haunts me emotionally until I make it right. My HP says I should pray for my enemies.

It's work to be sober!

So today, I will not tell any of these in-duh-viduals to bugger the f*** off, put exlax in the coffee to watch them kill each other getting to the potty, or remove the ball from every mouse in the building and watch them inundate IT with their ignorance.

My HP also says "Better a dry crust in peace than a feast with a cantankerous woman," which authorizes me to look for a new job.

Let the resumes fly!!

Powerless, The Sequel

Step One is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”

But I am learning that "drinking is but a symptom" of my disease. Once I subtract the booze, I am left with my brain, and I've been pouring booze on that since I was an adolescent!

Today, Step One reads for me "I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanagable."


When I came into the program, I had a string of booze-related traffic accidents that each should have resulted in a DUI, but for some reason, they didn't. Maybe because I didn't need them to: once I wrecked a rental car with scant knowledge of what I'd done the next day, I knew I had a problem, and I wasn't going out in some blaze of glory. Jails and institutions didn't sound like anything I wanted to experience.

Lately with my anxiety running amok, I am missing out on my life to agonize over things that haven't happened. I am not sleeping, and I am almost constantly tormented by "what if?"

Unmanagability!

I am powerless over the behavior of others in my life. If people are acting out in my life, that's their choice: I can't hit some mute button and silence them (trust me, I'd have done it by now).

Step One freed me from the moment I walked into the program to get better. I have the relief of my problem having a name. I have a Big Book that tells my life story. I have people around me that understand.

Now I need to keep working, to get more relief.

Normal People

"Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why, once a certain point is reached, little can be done for him. We cannot answer the riddle." ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 22~

There was a point in my life at which I was so far-removed from the concept of "normal" drinking that a doctor actually had to explain it to me. After I had honestly told him about the volume of alcohol I typically consumed every day (well, more honestly than I ever had before - I'm sure I was still rounding down to the nearest quart), he told me that there were people in the world who might have one or two alcoholic beverages in an evening and call it a night. I couldn't picture it! Frankly, I still can't.

Last night I met with my sponsor and told her all about my fears in dealing with a workplace bully. It occurred to me as we talked that WB is not talking over her issues with me with anyone right now; she has no sponsor, she has no program. Statistically speaking, she's probably not got any issues with alcohol (Little Debbies, maybe, but I am not to diagnose another individual).

It's true what I hear in meetings so often (damn it): the person I resent probably doesn't give a flip about me - I am only harming myself. WB gets up in the morning and does what she feels is her best every day. She was a WB before I got here and she'll be one when I leave.

My son is going through the "why" phase of life - his response to everything is "why?" When I don't know the answer, I tell him that God made it that way.

Ironically, being normal prevents her from experiencing the fellowship of this program. Last night in the midst of my anxiety crisis, I felt very loved by the people in the program I have come to respect and trust.

I do not need to drink over this, over though I don't know why this is happening.

Intervention may not be so divine ...

Tonight someone from my home group asked me to participate in an intervention for one of our female members who, if the stories are true, is back out drinking and in rapid decline. I haven't reflected much on the concept of intervention in a long while, but my thoughts on the matter haven't changed much:

1) Interventions aren't really for the alcoholic, but for her friends and family. If most alcoholics wanted help at this time, they would have sought it on a less dramatic scale. However, friends and family attending this event should be past the breaking point with this person: if she doesn't get help, she is out of each attendee's life until she does.

2) Threats won't work, but promises might. Any friend or family member is wasting his time participating in an intervention if he can't carry out on his statement to have no contact with the alcoholic if she refuses help. In fact, he might be worsening the problem by undermining the entire production.

3) It's now or no. She doesn't get to leave the room without making a decision. She's either going to treatment right this very second (which means transportation has to be somewhere waiting) or she is exiting the lives of everyone present. No scheduling issues, no upcoming events, no more excuses.

4) Leave law enforcement out of this. If the alcoholic is in legal trouble, some families have arranged for officers to be present to take her into custody if she refuses treatment. I think this is blackmail and therefore doomed to failure. If she's only going to treatment to avoid incarceration, you may as well grab a few 12-packs for her Welcome Home Party, because she's going to want them!