If you've been in recovery for a few 24-hour periods, you've met them in meetings: alcoholics whose drinking has brought them to a fork in the road of their lives: stop now and keep everything they have or continue and lose it all.I know all of us faces that prospect, but I'm talking about people for whom alcoholic destruction is no longer a theory, like a woman I met I'll call Meg.

Meg is a former army officer (one of the few active-duty women who have actually staffed combat missions). She has a bachelor's degree in a technical field. She is physically attractive. She drives a late-model sports car and owns a home in the nicest area of town. She married another army officer, and they have an adorable toddler together.

A couple of years ago, Meg lost her military career when she tested positive for cocaine. She quit that habit to focus on (more legal) alcohol. Here's what that's gotten her, just during the past year:

• A driving-while-intoxicated arrest and conviction
• A divorce
• A Child Protective Services investigation into her parenting
• A custody battle
• Bills putting her near the verge of bankruptcy

Meg started coming to 12-step meetings once her husband moved out, wanting to get sober in order to maintain custody of her daughter. She got a sponsor, got a Big Book, worked with her sponsor every week for several months, and went to at least one meeting a day. She picked up a 6-month chip a few weeks ago.

Child Protective Services got out of her life.  Her soon-to-be-ex was ordered to pay child support. Her DUI was dismissed after some time on an occupational drivers license. Everything was looking up for Meg!

She spent yesterday very drunk.

And so, the $64,000 question: why? She could lose everything she's worked for! It could get even worse for Meg if she keeps drinking!

Page 24 of the 4th edition says this, and it sums up for me the nature of the disease:

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousnesses with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

So often I hear in meetings "If you don't take the first drink, you won't get drunk!", usually followed by guffaws of newcomers and the easily amused.

That's not in the Big Book, and for good reason (stated above): I'm without defense against the first drink! It's not that I didn't realize that alcohol is intoxicating.

If someone like Meg can look at all she has to lose and still drink, can't any of us? If her self-will could have prevented her relapse, surely it would have yesterday.

Robert Frost described two paths before him in a forest, and he chose the path that had carried fewer travelers thus far. He concludes that "... made all the difference."

 I hope there's a road less traveled ahead for Meg.

How Not to Be My Sponsee

Every few months I get several requests to sponsor someone, and I take each request very seriously. However, often I'm the only person taking it seriously. So if you want me to sponsor you, here's some things you shouldn't do....

1) Get drunk. While this sounds like a "duh" item, many alcoholics aren't quite sure they have a problem, despite their loss of job, freedom, family, friends, credit and home. Something hasn't quite clicked yet. If you're not sure you have a problem, if you think you were convicted of DUI due to a clerical error, please do not come to me.

2) Call me only when you need a ride/money/sofa to crash on, etc. The BB tells us that sponsors (I know, I know, the term "sponsor" isn't used in the BB) are not to be bankers or nursemaids for your sprees. That does mean you.

3) Lie. If I ask you a question, I am expecting a truthful answer. Better you say nothing to me than lie. If you lie, be willing to interrupt yourself and say, "Okay, sorry, I'm lying. The honest answer is ..." This way you will not only learn not to lie, but you will also have the kind of relationship with your sponsor that will help you stay sober.

How It Works - The Original Version!

A few weeks ago, an oldtimer created a bit of a stir by reading the original version of How It Works at the beginning of our meeting.

Many people (read: newcomers) were visibly uncomfortable with the hardline voice contained therein, but I loved it!

My favorite passage is this one:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas: (a) That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. (b) That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. (c) That God can and will. If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!

The hardcore crux of the matter of alcoholism is that the only existing solution is the development of a spiritual life. That might look that the religion of one's upbringing, but it certainly doesn't have to. As long as it's a God of the drunk's understanding, he's on the way.

If you won't work to discover who that God is, get yourself up of that seat so someone who will do the work can have it. You have obviously not hit bottom yet. You may wish whatever drove you in here was your bottom, but it wasn't. You need to go lower.

I was about to write "and may God help you then." But you wouldn't agree with that yet, huh?

One day you will.

Day 6

Little to report on Day 6 besides digesting yesterday's mini-lightning bolt.

"This is a sick man. God save me from being angry." - The BB

Day 5

Last night I was studying "More About Alcoholism" in the BB w/my sponsor when I had an epiphany about P.

It happened when I read this sentence: "In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like." I immediately thought of her going back out over her breakup with my ex. Frankly, I empathized with her at that moment, not because I thought drinking was a good idea, but I have certainly done such things in the past myself.

So why haven't I had any compassion for her?

And I realized I haven't had an compassion for her because she hasn't asked for any. She has always come flouncing in to meetings like her drama just didn't happen. She has never once shared with anyone (to my knowledge) that she is in spiritual pain, and she needs help. If she expressed that, I would feel some sympathy for her.

So the question for me is, do I have to wait for her?

Praying For Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: Day 2

Two days of praying are behind me. I am praying that P gets everything I would want for myself and for the willingness to continue to do this, because it really isn't easy.

However, a strange thing has already happened. Yesterday P and my ex broke up, but P called Ex later on and asked him for a ride to that night's meeting. He declined and said he was taking someone else (okay, with her track record, probably not the best thing to tell her, but I digress).

P then calls the poor woman chairing this meeting, and asks her to call her when the meeting is over and tell her who Ex brought to the meeting. Chair told her she would do no such thing because it violates the Traditions (good for her!).

So P hung up on her mad as a wet hen, and then called her back and left her a snotty voice mail about whether she had the required amount of time to chair the meeting anyway. P then left me and BF each the same message.

I mention all this not because the drama itself it particularly weird (it's par for the course when P's around), but because of the effect it's had on my thinking about her.

I have been in recovery long enough to know what to do when I have a resentment. I could put all that BB stuff to music and dance to it. So why have I not wanted to forgive P for what she's done? What real harm have I suffered? BF and I are stronger than ever. I have lost no friends over this. I didn't get drunk.

I've been afraid to forgive P because I've feared that if I do forgive her, she will do all that crap again.

But she's still doing it! Yesterday proves it.

When I was little there was this cartoon about Ralph and Sam. They were wolf and sheepdog, and every morning, they punched in on a time clock and Sam went to guard the sheep and Ralph tried to steal them. Then the whistle would blow at the end of the day, and Ralph and Sam would say a cordial goodnight to each each other and go home. They each were who they were, and they did what they did, and it was nothing personal.

P and I are not so different from Ralph and Sam. We get up every morning, and we each do the best we know how to do. Neither of us gets up and says to ourselves "I'm really going to f--- things up today!" (regardless of what it may look like). One tries to steal, one tries to keep.

Just be glad you're not a sheep in this little town!

Forgiving Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: The Series

I'm embarking on a project in forgiving someone over the next 14 days, and I'll be chronicling it here. First, let's get the reader up to speed ....

I'm on a mission to forgive a woman in my home group whom I will refer to as P.

I have known P for almost a year, and during that time, she has

• Openly gone after BF
• Called BF's ex wife to report to her about us when he blew her off
• Started going out with my ex (admittedly, this is their prerogative since I have moved on)
• Once she felt my ex was paying too much attention to me, she called everyone on our group's phone list to tell them I was sleeping with him behind BF's back
• Then drunkenly threatened to kill me during a meeting I was chairing

Knowing her has been like having a season pass to the Museum of Crazy.

So yesterday she calls and leaves me a voice mail, asking to meet me for coffee so she can make an amends to me.

Ugh.

I would rather have a bikini wax and then wade in a pool of rubbing alcohol than do that!

So I called my sponsor. She instructed me to let P know that I would call her once I was ready. Then, I am to pray for her every day for two weeks as described in the BB on page 552 of the 4th edition. Then, barring any new and especially insane developments, I will meet with her.

Ugh.

Last night I prayed for her for the first time....

The Two Deadly-Sin Topics

There are two topics I don't touch in meetings: politics and religion. I don't even like people wearing clothing advertising their opinions on these matters to meetings (although I don't say anything about it).

The most basic reason is that I was raised in a home where there was One Opinion on these matters. I did not always share that opinion, and I was lambasted by family members because of it. It hurt to think that such hurtful behavior was okay as long as the topic of discussion was something that will never actually be solved.

No one human being is going to be proven "right" in either of these arenas, whether alcoholics or not. What many do prove themselves to be as they pontificate is hostile, overbearing and/or condescending.

The Big Book tells us not to approach newcomers in the spirit of "witchburning" on the subject of alcohol. I personally expand that to politics and religion as well. We endorse nor oppose any causes.

The program's predecessor, the Oxford Group, was humming right along until its members decided to get involved in political matters. Then, Oxford experienced problems of money, property and prestige, and it is now history.

In my private life, BF and I discuss politics amongst ourselves, but we don't bring those discussions into meetings. It's my hope that few, if any, in my home group know where I stand politically.

What We Do

A few days ago, a newcomer vented in a meeting that he had no idea what to do with himself now that he wasn't drinking. Suggestions ....

1) Go to as many meetings as possible. When I first got sober, I went to three meetings a day. I got to know everyone, got to work making coffee and emptying ashtrays, and got comfortable with the whole process a lot more quickly than newcomers doing one meeting a day.

2) Get a job or keep your job. If you're not busy during the day, of course your mind will wander. Get a job, volunteer somewhere, or amp your performance at the job you have.

3) Clean house - literally. If you're sober, you have no excuse for living in a sty. Clean up after yourself around your home

4) Read the Big Book. If reading at home is too quiet and isolating, get thee to your nearest coffee shop or library and actually read the book everyone keeps raving about.

5) Serve your group. Does something need to be done at your meeting place? Then do it! Volunteer to wash the coffee mugs or clean the bathrooms. We are self-supporting through our own contributions, and that doesn't just mean money.

Always and Forever

I believe that I have always been an alcoholic, from the day I was born. I remember sipping my mother's gin-and-tonics and thinking about how great it would be to be an adult and have one (or seven) all of my own - and I was five!

I don't ever remember having one drink, ever. I drank until a) there was no more booze in the zipcode I was partying in or b) I passed out. I sometimes hear folks referring to "becoming" an alcoholic - sorry, can't relate.

The Big Book tells me that I must accept that I will never drink like a normal person, assuming I ever did in the first place. I spent several years wondering if I had a drinking problem. Ironically, normal drinkers don't wonder if they are alcoholics!

I have probably sat in thousands of meetings. I have no idea how many times I've read the BB or the 12&12, but I know it's several times apiece at a minimum. Every single day of my life for years, I have spoken to at least one recovering or wanting-to-recover alcoholic.

But this is not rehab. All of that listed above does not eradicate my disease. There is no chemotherapy for this. It helps me hone my spiritual dimension that in turn makes me able to go one more day sober. Then I will get up tomorrow morning and God willing, do the same things again, with the same result.

I have blue eyes, horrible vision, a great sense of humor, and alcoholism - it's who I am, and who I always will be.

Lesser sins

I have developed a peeve about folks that share about wanting to quit smoking or eating junk food in meetings, and as Glenn Beck would say, here's how I got there:


I know that both smoking and junk food are bad for us. I worked for PepsiCo for many years, and you don't even know the kind of money that's spent making you think that Cheetos count as a serving of dairy. I know that smoking causes all kinds of horrible conditions, and in many cases, death (assuming that death is actually a horrible condition - I've never been dead, so I can't speak to that specifically).

Neither tobacco products nor junk food will cause me to:

• Kill someone if I get behind the wheel of a car after consuming them
• Engage in acts of violence, domestic or otherwise
• Face any sort of jail time for my ensuing behavior
• Lose my job
• Lose my family

12-Step programs are named for the substance that its members are trying to break an addiction to. If I have a drinking problem, I should be in A.A. If I have a drug problem, I should be in N.A. The Big Book tells me that we meet frequently to encourage each other and show newcomers the way.

We encourage each other from a sense of survival, what the Big Book refers to as the camaraderie among survivors of a shipwreck. We are each day escaping death - not an additional dress size or a bit of a cough.

I can hear it now: but M, smoking and obesity can be fatal!

I agree, and I would add to that list traveling via any kind of vehicle, immersing ourselves in any body of water (including the shower) ... the list goes on and on. In fact, 100% of births result in death.

The difference is that I literally can not stop drinking without total abstinence, reading the Big Book, working the 12 steps with my sponsor, praying to my Higher Power and being of service to others. Those who feel that their lives are unmanageable due to their powerlessness over tobacco would find the most fellowship in Nicotine Anonymous.

No Salesman Will Come To Your Door

Every so often at my home group when desire chips are offered, people attempt to "sell" a newcomer on getting one ("go ahead!", "they're free!", "don't you want one?"). The culprits are always the pink-clouders with a few weeks or months and are now out to sober up the world.

But the world at large does not want to get sober. The latest estimate of the adult population in my little city is 100,000. If ten percent of the U.S. population is estimated to be alcoholic, that's 10,000 of us in this city alone (and if you ever get a chance to read our city's police blotters, you'll probably agree that's a reasonable estimate). I've never seen more than 50 people in a meeting around here.

Alcohol was everything to me. I wouldn't have actually said that out loud, even to myself, but it was. Nothing got between me and my drink, whether I had to hide it, lie about it or steal it. But I would have indignantly told you I was i no way an alcoholic.

Step One says that we admitted that we have a problem. Webster's defines "admitting" as "confessing". My confession came from hitting bottom - that point where life itself showed me that I had a problem, and I had to agree.

One of the great mysteries of life for me is why some people admit this earlier in life than others. Why did I come in after a few fender-benders and get this, while we have folks court-ordered to attend who are right back out the minute the last line of their form is signed?

The closest I've come to an answer to this riddle lies in "How It Works": I get this when I am capable of rigorous honesty. Until that day, you could keep your chip.

Powerless, The Sequel

Step One is “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.”

But I am learning that "drinking is but a symptom" of my disease. Once I subtract the booze, I am left with my brain, and I've been pouring booze on that since I was an adolescent!

Today, Step One reads for me "I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanagable."


When I came into the program, I had a string of booze-related traffic accidents that each should have resulted in a DUI, but for some reason, they didn't. Maybe because I didn't need them to: once I wrecked a rental car with scant knowledge of what I'd done the next day, I knew I had a problem, and I wasn't going out in some blaze of glory. Jails and institutions didn't sound like anything I wanted to experience.

Lately with my anxiety running amok, I am missing out on my life to agonize over things that haven't happened. I am not sleeping, and I am almost constantly tormented by "what if?"

Unmanagability!

I am powerless over the behavior of others in my life. If people are acting out in my life, that's their choice: I can't hit some mute button and silence them (trust me, I'd have done it by now).

Step One freed me from the moment I walked into the program to get better. I have the relief of my problem having a name. I have a Big Book that tells my life story. I have people around me that understand.

Now I need to keep working, to get more relief.

Normal People

"Opinions vary considerably as to why the alcoholic reacts differently from normal people. We are not sure why, once a certain point is reached, little can be done for him. We cannot answer the riddle." ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, There Is A Solution, pg. 22~

There was a point in my life at which I was so far-removed from the concept of "normal" drinking that a doctor actually had to explain it to me. After I had honestly told him about the volume of alcohol I typically consumed every day (well, more honestly than I ever had before - I'm sure I was still rounding down to the nearest quart), he told me that there were people in the world who might have one or two alcoholic beverages in an evening and call it a night. I couldn't picture it! Frankly, I still can't.

Last night I met with my sponsor and told her all about my fears in dealing with a workplace bully. It occurred to me as we talked that WB is not talking over her issues with me with anyone right now; she has no sponsor, she has no program. Statistically speaking, she's probably not got any issues with alcohol (Little Debbies, maybe, but I am not to diagnose another individual).

It's true what I hear in meetings so often (damn it): the person I resent probably doesn't give a flip about me - I am only harming myself. WB gets up in the morning and does what she feels is her best every day. She was a WB before I got here and she'll be one when I leave.

My son is going through the "why" phase of life - his response to everything is "why?" When I don't know the answer, I tell him that God made it that way.

Ironically, being normal prevents her from experiencing the fellowship of this program. Last night in the midst of my anxiety crisis, I felt very loved by the people in the program I have come to respect and trust.

I do not need to drink over this, over though I don't know why this is happening.

My Search for Meaning

Hazelden's recovery thought for today from The Language of Letting Go reads, in part "Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.That will make us crazy.We do not always know why things are happening the way they are.... In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough. We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold in the larger picture."

Life often makes no sense to me from the seat I'm assigned in the present. For example, I am now a couple of months into a job that more than likely is not going to work out, and that has been a great disappointment to me. I have no idea how many times I have thought to myself, "Why is this happening to me?" or second-guessed myself for taking this job in the first place.

If I'm not vigilant, I will get into woe-is-me, and that's not good for my sobriety. The Big Book tells me that "anger is the dubious luxury of normal men" and depression, as many professionals will tell you, is anger turned inward.

I come into this place each day, and I remind myself that I am here to be of service. I do what I know is the right thing at each moment, trying not to worry about what the future holds. This place was not built to fill me emotionally, so to expect emotional fulfillment here is irrational.

My favorite story in the book of my faith is the book of Job. Job is this all-around success story: well-to-do, great family, and respect in his community. One day, God and Satan are talking, and God says, "Hey Jerkalope! Check out Job! He is one of my biggest fans!"

The devil says, "Well sure he is - you've given him everything. Take away his stuff and then see how much he loves you - I dare you!"

And God does, and Job, though miserable in his new, cruddy phase of life does not lose his faith that God sits supreme in the universe, doing everything for everyone's greater good.

The best part of the story for me is that Job specifically asks God why He took everything, and God doesn't ever tell him why. I love that because it tells me that it is not my job to know why things happen. It is only my job to respond properly.

Suicide

I've said before that we are often not seated in a vast hotbed of mental health when we go to meetings. The Big Book tells us that there are times when medical attention is necessary to help us sort out our thinking.

Bad things happen to us, even when we're sober: relationships end, jobs are lost, loved ones die. This is part of life, and we're learning to live it on life's terms. Many of us then find that once we remove the alcohol from our brains, we see depression, anxiety, and other related mental conditions.

So it's not uncommon to encounter someone talking about suicide as we trudge this road to happy destiny. These are the common signs of potentially suicidal behavior, provided by the United States Army (and they would know!)

• Talking or hinting about suicide
• Formulating a plan to include acquiring the means to kill oneself
• Having a desire to die
• Obsession with death (music, poetry, artwork)
• Themes of death in letters and notes
• Finalizing personal affairs
• Giving away personal possessions

Suicidal ideations are most common is those who are experiencing life changes that they perceive as totally negative, such as:

• Relationship problems (loss of girlfriend/boyfriend,divorce, etc.)
  • Substance abuse issues/relapse
  • Work related problems
  • Transitions (retirement, adult children leaving home, etc.)
  • Serious medical problems
  • Significant loss (death of loved one, loss due to natural disasters, etc.)
  • Current/pending legal action
  • Setbacks (academic, career, or personal)
  • Severe, prolonged, and/or perceived unmanageable stress.
  • A sense of powerlessness, helplessness, and/or hopelessness

When someone we know talks about suicide or displays these nonverbal signs listed, it should always be taken seriously. Loved ones of those with these issues should immedaitely get some mental health services for these folks - as much as the depressed individual might not want you to, it could very well save their lives.

Need or Want?

Last night I heard in a meeting something I haven't heard in a while: "You never need to take another drink again if you don't want to."

I can't begin to estimate how many times I uttered the phrase "I need a drink" in the Before Times. I really felt I did need a drink - I didn't think I was exaggerating!

My dictionary defines "need" as "a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation", and that's what alcohol became for me. It was no longer optional.

But the other way of defining "need" is the things that make my survival possible. I literally need food, reasonable clothing (a Louis Vuitton Galliera GM bag does not fall into this category, unfortunately), shelter, and access to medical care. In those terms, I did not need a drink.

*Note: the effects of physical withdrawal from alcohol can be fatal, which is why in some cases, those doing 12-step calls take with them a little bit of booze. In this one scenario, a drink is in fact needed.

But I sure thought I needed it, because I knew no other way to live. I had to get with the Program to learn to not drink, clean house and help others. I do not need to ever drink again if I don't want to.

It's my wants that bite me in the proverbial ass every time. The BB specifically tells us that "selfishness and self-centeredness" is "the root of our problems." Basically, that I was roaming the earth a slave to my wants, winking at what each new acquisition might cost me. Tough day at work? Have far too many drinks and then drive my wobbly self home - I deserve some fun!

Ironically, my favorite toast in any situation was "We may not get what we want, we may not get what we need, as long as we don't get what we deserve!"

And I was right.

Sponsor vs. Friend

In my opinion, getting a sponsor and then actually calling her is one of the most important things we can do to stay sober. Sponsors are there to guide us through the 12 Steps, assist us in studying the Big Book, and understanding recovery culture. My sponsor knows things about me that no one else on this planet earth knows, and shows me how to deal with that Deep Dark Stuff without taking it to Happy Hour.

However, it's important to understand that this relationship is meant to go one way only: I am not to counsel my sponsor on things. My sponsor has a sponsor she does her work with. While my sponsor knows everything about me, she is not my "buddy". Why not? Thanks for asking!

1) A friend is someone who wants me to like her. My sponsor tells me the cold, hard truth as I need to hear it, and that has repeatedly saved my ass. Her delivery is not clouded by whether or not I will still like her after she tells me what she knows I need to hear.

2) I know where my friends' "buttons" are. We know most of our friends well enough to know their emotional weaknesses, and, let's face it, we sometimes exploit them when it serves our purposes. Example: if I'm doing something that I know my sponsor-who's-become-my-buddy doesn't approve of, I start "earning" her approval with things that will shift her focus off of my (probably sick) behavior, such as giving gifts, loaning money, and generally kissing ass. My buddy now feels all warm and gushy about me, while I continue to engage in wrong stuff.

3) My friends don't have any formal authority over me. Because I am careful to recognize my sponsor as my sponsor, I have a respect for her that I might not show my friends. For example, if she tells me something that rubs me the wrong way, I pretty much sit there and take it because I know I need to hear it. I don't argue with my sponsor, because I have too much respect for her to disagree. If I'm arguing with my sponsor, I do not have the kind of respect for those that have figured this thing out that will help me stay sober.

4) My friends might develop a resentment towards me, but my sponsor won't. Doctors aren't allowed to operate on members of their immediate family for a reason: their judgement will be too clouded to award the family member their best ability. Sponsors know how to react to sponsees: with (tough) love and tolerance, and that's about it. They should not become so emotionally involved with sponsees that they develop resentments.

5) My sponsor will not violate my trust. Friends sometimes blab, especially when they feel that blabbing may help you (and it typically doesn't). Sponsors understand the grave importance of their relationships with sponsees, and that complete confidentiality is to maintained at just about any cost. Note: I tell women I work with that I will get them the appriate help if they tell me that they are thinking about harming themselves or someone else.

The World Out There

"How lucky we are, that we can experience that divine spark with one another, and with all recovering women. The program offers us the chance, every moment of our lives from this day forward, to experience divinity. All we are asked to do is be there, for one another, to share fully who we are. Vulnerability gets easier as we learn that we can trust each other, that we can share pain, that it's okay to pull and prod and follow, first you and then me and then her." - Each Day a New Beginning

The Program is without doubt a fellowship. It's darn near impossible to go to meetings every day and not develop the kind of close friendships never possible for while we were drinking. All of my friends and BF are in the Program. All the socializing I did this holiday weekend was Program-related.

But I need to be very careful in my thinking about those who are not recovering alcoholics - you know, "normal people" (those freaks that have one serving of alcohol and then stop because they are "starting to feel it").

I got sober because my ability to function in the world was declining. Now that I'm sober, I am a mom, an employee, BF's girlfriend, a friend, a volunteer ... in other words, I am now functioning out in the world again. That's the whole point of sobriety for me.

Society fears alcoholism, and it should: drinking alcoholics are responsible for almost all of this country's fatalities that involved booze, from driving while intoxicated to domestic violence and everything in between. We kill an average of 18,000 innocent bystanders each year just by getting behind the wheel of a car drunk. To add insult to society's injury, we tend to survive these vehicular homicides because we're so drunk!

Sure, I have "normal" people in my life who don't really "get" this recovery thing, but they didn't "get" my drinking either. I have realized that they aren't ever going to fully understand, and it's not their job to understand me. The Big Book tells me that my end-all mission in life is to be helpful, not to hope others help me.

I am the only Big Book most people will ever read.

Brand-spankin-newbies

Q: I am completely new. I am going to AA meetings, but I find my pain so overwhelming. What do I do?

1) Go to every meeting you can possibly make. Forget this 90-meetings-in-ninety-days stuff - if you can make three meetings a day, do it. Going to meetings is the most important thing you can do, after not drinking of course.

2) Actually sit in the meeting. Do not fall into the habit of hanging out with the folks who are technically at a meeting, but not really (they're outside smoking, etc.) I refer to this area of my group as Relapse Row for a reason.

3) Stay physically and mentally busy. If you have a job, go the extra mile at work. Clean your house like the Prize Patrol will be there any moment with cameras. Return phone calls immediately (unless they're from the dealer). Call people who are supportive of you. In other words, do whatever it is that keeps you from drinking. If you're sitting around with nothing to do, go to a meeting or get busy.

4) Get a Big Book and read it. Most groups sell them. Our public library has them to check out. If you don't have the money, ask one of the women at your group if you can borrow hers. Then read it.

5) Get a sponsor. This early in recovery, this is simply someone you feel you can call and honestly say, "Okay, I want a drink - what do I do?" Any sponsor worth having will require you to call her every day. Don't overcomplicate this by trying to find the "perfect" person - you're not marrying this person, you're just calling them and asking them how to do this thing.

6) Cut yourself some slack in 0ther areas. We are not drinking - that is the goal. This is not time to quit smoking or start a diet of ground walnut shells and yak milk. In fact, I take newcomers for ice cream after meetings on a regular basis. This is because alcohol is sugar (I'll spare you the chemistry, just trust me, it is), and by suddenly not drinking, your body is jonesing for some sugar.

7) Remember that you are only doing this TODAY. One day at a time - if you're really miserable, promise yourself you'll get drunk as Ted Kennedy tomorrow, but today you're sticking it out.

It doesn't seem like it right now dear, but you're in for the greatest experience of your life if you're willing to go to any lengths to get it.


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