If you've been in recovery for a few 24-hour periods, you've met them in meetings: alcoholics whose drinking has brought them to a fork in the road of their lives: stop now and keep everything they have or continue and lose it all.I know all of us faces that prospect, but I'm talking about people for whom alcoholic destruction is no longer a theory, like a woman I met I'll call Meg.

Meg is a former army officer (one of the few active-duty women who have actually staffed combat missions). She has a bachelor's degree in a technical field. She is physically attractive. She drives a late-model sports car and owns a home in the nicest area of town. She married another army officer, and they have an adorable toddler together.

A couple of years ago, Meg lost her military career when she tested positive for cocaine. She quit that habit to focus on (more legal) alcohol. Here's what that's gotten her, just during the past year:

• A driving-while-intoxicated arrest and conviction
• A divorce
• A Child Protective Services investigation into her parenting
• A custody battle
• Bills putting her near the verge of bankruptcy

Meg started coming to 12-step meetings once her husband moved out, wanting to get sober in order to maintain custody of her daughter. She got a sponsor, got a Big Book, worked with her sponsor every week for several months, and went to at least one meeting a day. She picked up a 6-month chip a few weeks ago.

Child Protective Services got out of her life.  Her soon-to-be-ex was ordered to pay child support. Her DUI was dismissed after some time on an occupational drivers license. Everything was looking up for Meg!

She spent yesterday very drunk.

And so, the $64,000 question: why? She could lose everything she's worked for! It could get even worse for Meg if she keeps drinking!

Page 24 of the 4th edition says this, and it sums up for me the nature of the disease:

We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousnesses with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

So often I hear in meetings "If you don't take the first drink, you won't get drunk!", usually followed by guffaws of newcomers and the easily amused.

That's not in the Big Book, and for good reason (stated above): I'm without defense against the first drink! It's not that I didn't realize that alcohol is intoxicating.

If someone like Meg can look at all she has to lose and still drink, can't any of us? If her self-will could have prevented her relapse, surely it would have yesterday.

Robert Frost described two paths before him in a forest, and he chose the path that had carried fewer travelers thus far. He concludes that "... made all the difference."

 I hope there's a road less traveled ahead for Meg.

Length matters little

I talk about my sobriety date once per year - when I pick up a chip.

I was "raised" in a group that took sobriety dates very seriously. When we introduced ourselves at meetings, we gave our sobriety date. Old Timers heard the soft ooohs and aaahhhs of newcomers. Newcomers received smiles of encouragement as they recited that they had now made it another day. I ooohhhed and aaahhhed as needed and smiled encouragingly as warranted. At first, I had days of sobriety, then months. Most of the people that got sober around the time I did vanished. Then I had a year, then multiple years.

One day, as I introduced myself in the customary fashion, I mentioned that I had been sober almost 5 years. In the beat of quiet between my introduction and the next person's, I heard it - softly - but I heard it still:

"Wow."

And then began the churning of my magic, magnifying mind: Yep, all hail the badass. Betcha want to be like me someday, huh?

It took one whispered word to activate my ego. My ego began to whisper back that I no longer belonged at that group - or any meeting actually, because there was something good on TV that night or I was tired of hearing Woe-is-Me Wanda recount her latest dope-fueled drama (again). So I stopped going to meetings as much.

When it occurred to me that I wasn't going to meetings as often, I then recalled members who often said that they always called people who had quit showing up. This activated the indignation cycle: where was my phone call? Didn't they care about me?

Cue righteous indignation: after all I've done for that sorry place!

These are the sounds of my spiritual condition eroding. I am now focused on me, rather than on my purpose. All over one whispered word of admiration over my sobriety date.

When I was growing up, my father refused to tell my brother or me how much money he made at his job. If we asked, he'd say "Enough." or "Why? Did you have some allowance to return to me?"

He didn't tell us because he didn't want us to blow it out of proportion: to think we were rich (we weren't) or wonder whether we had enough (we did). We didn't need to dwell on that issue.

Today, I rarely even think about how long I've been sober. Yes, I tell newcomers, but only when asked. I don't need to dwell on quantity. We all have today, and regardless of whether you've been to one meeting or a thousand, that's enough.

How Not to Be My Sponsee

Every few months I get several requests to sponsor someone, and I take each request very seriously. However, often I'm the only person taking it seriously. So if you want me to sponsor you, here's some things you shouldn't do....

1) Get drunk. While this sounds like a "duh" item, many alcoholics aren't quite sure they have a problem, despite their loss of job, freedom, family, friends, credit and home. Something hasn't quite clicked yet. If you're not sure you have a problem, if you think you were convicted of DUI due to a clerical error, please do not come to me.

2) Call me only when you need a ride/money/sofa to crash on, etc. The BB tells us that sponsors (I know, I know, the term "sponsor" isn't used in the BB) are not to be bankers or nursemaids for your sprees. That does mean you.

3) Lie. If I ask you a question, I am expecting a truthful answer. Better you say nothing to me than lie. If you lie, be willing to interrupt yourself and say, "Okay, sorry, I'm lying. The honest answer is ..." This way you will not only learn not to lie, but you will also have the kind of relationship with your sponsor that will help you stay sober.

How It Works - The Original Version!

A few weeks ago, an oldtimer created a bit of a stir by reading the original version of How It Works at the beginning of our meeting.

Many people (read: newcomers) were visibly uncomfortable with the hardline voice contained therein, but I loved it!

My favorite passage is this one:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after, have been designed to sell you three pertinent ideas: (a) That you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life. (b) That probably no human power can relieve your alcoholism. (c) That God can and will. If you are not convinced on these vital issues, you ought to re-read the book to this point or else throw it away!

The hardcore crux of the matter of alcoholism is that the only existing solution is the development of a spiritual life. That might look that the religion of one's upbringing, but it certainly doesn't have to. As long as it's a God of the drunk's understanding, he's on the way.

If you won't work to discover who that God is, get yourself up of that seat so someone who will do the work can have it. You have obviously not hit bottom yet. You may wish whatever drove you in here was your bottom, but it wasn't. You need to go lower.

I was about to write "and may God help you then." But you wouldn't agree with that yet, huh?

One day you will.

You're NOT an Alcoholic If ...

1. You don't understand the concept of a 6-pack (isn't one enough?).
2. You question the concept of "Happy Hour" - who would be in a bar for a whole hour?
   
3. You immediately stop drinking when you start to "feel it".
4. You have ever left an alcoholic beverage unconsumed for any reason
5. You have no booze in your home, and that's not because you already drank it all
6. After any sip of an alcoholic beverage, you have ever uttered the phrase "Whoa, this is too strong!"
7. You're not sure where your neighborhood liquor store is.
8. You especially look forward to events that are alcohol-free - no idiot drunks around!
9. You purchase wine for cooking purposes, and you actually do cook with it.
10. On second thought, you do have some alcohol in your home: a bottle of something someone gave you for Christmas, which is still unopened, and now covered in a layer of dust. You totally forgot about that thing! Maybe you can re-gift it to someone this year.
    

Method and My Madness

Things I tried in order to control my drinking before getting into recovery:

• Only drinking beer
• Only drinking on weekends
• Drinking only one drink per hour
• Drinking only after eating
• Only drinking at home
• Only drinking when away from home
• Seven Weeks To Sobriety
• Self-hypnosis CDs (that's humbling to admit!)
  

Why closed meetings?

A comment on my previous post brought up the very good question: why closed meetings?

A closed meeting is a meeting in which anyone who has a desire not to drink that day is welcome. It doesn't matter if it's your first meeting or your thousandth. Doesn't matter if you desired to drink the day previous, or you'll be drinking the next day. It doesn't even matter if you'll drink right after the meeting in question. All one needs is the desire not to drink to attend a closed meeting.

An open meeting is open to the public. While that sounds nice and fuzzy, let's remember who makes up the public: ex-spouses, bosses, probation officers, reporters, nosy neighbors, in-laws ... in short, all sorts of folks you might not feel comfortable sharing in front of. They do not need to have a desire not to drink, just a sense of curiosity. They are not bound by the traditions of anonymity. Alcoholics who are deeply concerned about their own anonymity may choose not to attend open meetings for this reason, and that's their right.

A is for Alcohol

Today we had someone new to our CLOSED meeting identify himself as a sex addict. He continued on to say that he "was told to go to as many meetings as possible."

Yeah, probably meaning SA meetings, dumbass, not any 12-step meeting you come across!

The primary purpose of Alcoholics Anonymous is to carry the message to the ALCOHOLIC that still suffers. If you are attending a closed meeting, you need to have a desire not to drink today to stay seated. If you're looking forward to celebrating a full day without looking at porn on your computer with a couple of beers, you should not attend A.A.

What We Do

A few days ago, a newcomer vented in a meeting that he had no idea what to do with himself now that he wasn't drinking. Suggestions ....

1) Go to as many meetings as possible. When I first got sober, I went to three meetings a day. I got to know everyone, got to work making coffee and emptying ashtrays, and got comfortable with the whole process a lot more quickly than newcomers doing one meeting a day.

2) Get a job or keep your job. If you're not busy during the day, of course your mind will wander. Get a job, volunteer somewhere, or amp your performance at the job you have.

3) Clean house - literally. If you're sober, you have no excuse for living in a sty. Clean up after yourself around your home

4) Read the Big Book. If reading at home is too quiet and isolating, get thee to your nearest coffee shop or library and actually read the book everyone keeps raving about.

5) Serve your group. Does something need to be done at your meeting place? Then do it! Volunteer to wash the coffee mugs or clean the bathrooms. We are self-supporting through our own contributions, and that doesn't just mean money.

I believe that she believes!

I have a new sponsor, whom I meet with most Monday nights. Last night I asked her about her employment history, not as an interview question, but because she really appears to me to have it all together, and I'm going through a not-very-all-together season in my life right now with this putrid job at the courthouse.

As God would have it, she told me that when she was about as sober as I am now, she had a job at our local sheriff's department, and she hated it. My mouth was probably hanging open as she said, "When I say that I know what you're going through, I really mean that."

What never ceases to amaze me about this program is how a bunch of folks you would never dream in a million years would be spiritual develop spiritual lives that save our very lives! No two paths completely the same, and most widely varied.

Then the really amazing concept is that the program itself has thrived for seventy-odd years. Sure, there's more alcoholics in the world than the world wants to admit, but none of them want to join until things are really bad (I tell newcomers that by the time some entity is discussing incarceration with you, you are officially a drag on society). As a group, we have more divorces, bankruptcies and prison time than most social strata in the world, and yet it works!

So last night when my sponsor told me to believe that she believes, I agreed, and I do. She has good reason to believe!

No Salesman Will Come To Your Door

Every so often at my home group when desire chips are offered, people attempt to "sell" a newcomer on getting one ("go ahead!", "they're free!", "don't you want one?"). The culprits are always the pink-clouders with a few weeks or months and are now out to sober up the world.

But the world at large does not want to get sober. The latest estimate of the adult population in my little city is 100,000. If ten percent of the U.S. population is estimated to be alcoholic, that's 10,000 of us in this city alone (and if you ever get a chance to read our city's police blotters, you'll probably agree that's a reasonable estimate). I've never seen more than 50 people in a meeting around here.

Alcohol was everything to me. I wouldn't have actually said that out loud, even to myself, but it was. Nothing got between me and my drink, whether I had to hide it, lie about it or steal it. But I would have indignantly told you I was i no way an alcoholic.

Step One says that we admitted that we have a problem. Webster's defines "admitting" as "confessing". My confession came from hitting bottom - that point where life itself showed me that I had a problem, and I had to agree.

One of the great mysteries of life for me is why some people admit this earlier in life than others. Why did I come in after a few fender-benders and get this, while we have folks court-ordered to attend who are right back out the minute the last line of their form is signed?

The closest I've come to an answer to this riddle lies in "How It Works": I get this when I am capable of rigorous honesty. Until that day, you could keep your chip.

A Dozen Steps has a great post today about the importance of accepting responsibility for our own behavior. I especially enjoyed it because this matter came up among some of my homegroup's members this week.

Story as old as A.A. time: newcomer has a little time, and the persistant folks in the warrants division of the county she used to live in located her to discuss with her a rubber check she wrote that she hadn't amended. She doesn't want to go to jail.

So a member called BF and me, asking if we would like to contribute to the cause of keeping her out of the pokey. We said collectively something along the lines of "Not just 'no', but 'hell, no'."

I do not bail people out of jail, ever. You are incarcerated because there is reasonable cause to believe that you have broken the law. Your name wasn't drawn out of a hat for random, causeless arrest.

We put people in jail for breaking the law because a) we as a society would like you to stop harming others and b) imprisonment may teach you not to pull that stuff again. The longer you cool off in there, the less likely you are to repeat your offense.

One of the cases in our courtroom yesterday was a young man, barely over 18, with a file an inch thick. This particular day he was pleaing on 8 different counts. His mother had already posted a $600 bond, and then paid an additional $400 as a result of his remaining issues.

Think he learned not to break the law yesterday? No way! What he learned yesterday is that mom will bail him out. Mom won't have any money saved for her own security in life, but I can assure you he doesn't care about that.

The best thing his mother could have done for him and for herself yesterday was say, "Well son, I hope you can come up with $400 this afternoon," and gone home to mind her own business. An al-anon working a program would call this "helping someone find bottom".

But our newcomer's story has an encouraging ending: instead of taking others' money, she went with her sponsor and turned herself in to the county jail. She was arrested and detained for 90 minutes, and paid what fines remained after her jail credit was applied.

Now, she need not fear this issue ever again: she's paid her debt. She doesn't owe anyone for bailing her out. She has a new degree of respect and encouragement from folks in the meetings. Fear of people in that county has left her!

"They always materialize if we work for them."

Sponsor vs. Friend

In my opinion, getting a sponsor and then actually calling her is one of the most important things we can do to stay sober. Sponsors are there to guide us through the 12 Steps, assist us in studying the Big Book, and understanding recovery culture. My sponsor knows things about me that no one else on this planet earth knows, and shows me how to deal with that Deep Dark Stuff without taking it to Happy Hour.

However, it's important to understand that this relationship is meant to go one way only: I am not to counsel my sponsor on things. My sponsor has a sponsor she does her work with. While my sponsor knows everything about me, she is not my "buddy". Why not? Thanks for asking!

1) A friend is someone who wants me to like her. My sponsor tells me the cold, hard truth as I need to hear it, and that has repeatedly saved my ass. Her delivery is not clouded by whether or not I will still like her after she tells me what she knows I need to hear.

2) I know where my friends' "buttons" are. We know most of our friends well enough to know their emotional weaknesses, and, let's face it, we sometimes exploit them when it serves our purposes. Example: if I'm doing something that I know my sponsor-who's-become-my-buddy doesn't approve of, I start "earning" her approval with things that will shift her focus off of my (probably sick) behavior, such as giving gifts, loaning money, and generally kissing ass. My buddy now feels all warm and gushy about me, while I continue to engage in wrong stuff.

3) My friends don't have any formal authority over me. Because I am careful to recognize my sponsor as my sponsor, I have a respect for her that I might not show my friends. For example, if she tells me something that rubs me the wrong way, I pretty much sit there and take it because I know I need to hear it. I don't argue with my sponsor, because I have too much respect for her to disagree. If I'm arguing with my sponsor, I do not have the kind of respect for those that have figured this thing out that will help me stay sober.

4) My friends might develop a resentment towards me, but my sponsor won't. Doctors aren't allowed to operate on members of their immediate family for a reason: their judgement will be too clouded to award the family member their best ability. Sponsors know how to react to sponsees: with (tough) love and tolerance, and that's about it. They should not become so emotionally involved with sponsees that they develop resentments.

5) My sponsor will not violate my trust. Friends sometimes blab, especially when they feel that blabbing may help you (and it typically doesn't). Sponsors understand the grave importance of their relationships with sponsees, and that complete confidentiality is to maintained at just about any cost. Note: I tell women I work with that I will get them the appriate help if they tell me that they are thinking about harming themselves or someone else.

Brand-spankin-newbies

Q: I am completely new. I am going to AA meetings, but I find my pain so overwhelming. What do I do?

1) Go to every meeting you can possibly make. Forget this 90-meetings-in-ninety-days stuff - if you can make three meetings a day, do it. Going to meetings is the most important thing you can do, after not drinking of course.

2) Actually sit in the meeting. Do not fall into the habit of hanging out with the folks who are technically at a meeting, but not really (they're outside smoking, etc.) I refer to this area of my group as Relapse Row for a reason.

3) Stay physically and mentally busy. If you have a job, go the extra mile at work. Clean your house like the Prize Patrol will be there any moment with cameras. Return phone calls immediately (unless they're from the dealer). Call people who are supportive of you. In other words, do whatever it is that keeps you from drinking. If you're sitting around with nothing to do, go to a meeting or get busy.

4) Get a Big Book and read it. Most groups sell them. Our public library has them to check out. If you don't have the money, ask one of the women at your group if you can borrow hers. Then read it.

5) Get a sponsor. This early in recovery, this is simply someone you feel you can call and honestly say, "Okay, I want a drink - what do I do?" Any sponsor worth having will require you to call her every day. Don't overcomplicate this by trying to find the "perfect" person - you're not marrying this person, you're just calling them and asking them how to do this thing.

6) Cut yourself some slack in 0ther areas. We are not drinking - that is the goal. This is not time to quit smoking or start a diet of ground walnut shells and yak milk. In fact, I take newcomers for ice cream after meetings on a regular basis. This is because alcohol is sugar (I'll spare you the chemistry, just trust me, it is), and by suddenly not drinking, your body is jonesing for some sugar.

7) Remember that you are only doing this TODAY. One day at a time - if you're really miserable, promise yourself you'll get drunk as Ted Kennedy tomorrow, but today you're sticking it out.

It doesn't seem like it right now dear, but you're in for the greatest experience of your life if you're willing to go to any lengths to get it.


----------------


----------------
Now playing: Mourning September - Glorietta
via FoxyTunes