It Still Sucks: Prayer Project Version

NP is not going to weekends in the clink after all - she is going to do 2.5 years!!

Wow.

A friend of hers just called and told me. She has to report tomorrow morning.

One of the sad things about this (certainly not the saddest, but it shames me) is that a few weeks ago, I'd have been celebrating.

Day 10

Here's a wrinkle in the semi-formed plan to meet P to talk: she has been sentenced to serve the next three weekends in the county jail. She was convicted of alcohol-related probation violations. I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow - I will discuss with her the actual meeting, if she will even see me (it was P's idea, but I'm used to things changing around here).

Day 8

Over halfway through the Prayer Project. I have to admit, I think it's working. I can honestly say that I am willing to meet with her.

It reminds me of the feeling I had when I first got sober: lots of future-tripping (as BF calls it - that's freaking out over events that have not occurred yet). When I actually picture meeting with her, I can't even imagine what I would say.

I must discuss again w/my sponsor. At least now I can discuss it in a spirit of willingness now and not in a spirit of whining!

Forgiving Someone I Can't F-ing Stand: The Series

I'm embarking on a project in forgiving someone over the next 14 days, and I'll be chronicling it here. First, let's get the reader up to speed ....

I'm on a mission to forgive a woman in my home group whom I will refer to as P.

I have known P for almost a year, and during that time, she has

• Openly gone after BF
• Called BF's ex wife to report to her about us when he blew her off
• Started going out with my ex (admittedly, this is their prerogative since I have moved on)
• Once she felt my ex was paying too much attention to me, she called everyone on our group's phone list to tell them I was sleeping with him behind BF's back
• Then drunkenly threatened to kill me during a meeting I was chairing

Knowing her has been like having a season pass to the Museum of Crazy.

So yesterday she calls and leaves me a voice mail, asking to meet me for coffee so she can make an amends to me.

Ugh.

I would rather have a bikini wax and then wade in a pool of rubbing alcohol than do that!

So I called my sponsor. She instructed me to let P know that I would call her once I was ready. Then, I am to pray for her every day for two weeks as described in the BB on page 552 of the 4th edition. Then, barring any new and especially insane developments, I will meet with her.

Ugh.

Last night I prayed for her for the first time....

"I pray that I will find happiness in doing the right thing. I pray that I will find satisfaction in obeying spiritual laws." - Twenty-Four Hours a Day

So much temptation to not do the right thing! I daydream about lashing out at these maladjusts that for some reason I have been given as coworkers.

But now I get emotional hangovers when I lash out at people, whether they deserved or not! My conscience is no longer silenced by booze. When I act in ways that conflict with my HP's standards, it haunts me emotionally until I make it right. My HP says I should pray for my enemies.

It's work to be sober!

So today, I will not tell any of these in-duh-viduals to bugger the f*** off, put exlax in the coffee to watch them kill each other getting to the potty, or remove the ball from every mouse in the building and watch them inundate IT with their ignorance.

My HP also says "Better a dry crust in peace than a feast with a cantankerous woman," which authorizes me to look for a new job.

Let the resumes fly!!

A Dozen Steps has a great post today about the importance of accepting responsibility for our own behavior. I especially enjoyed it because this matter came up among some of my homegroup's members this week.

Story as old as A.A. time: newcomer has a little time, and the persistant folks in the warrants division of the county she used to live in located her to discuss with her a rubber check she wrote that she hadn't amended. She doesn't want to go to jail.

So a member called BF and me, asking if we would like to contribute to the cause of keeping her out of the pokey. We said collectively something along the lines of "Not just 'no', but 'hell, no'."

I do not bail people out of jail, ever. You are incarcerated because there is reasonable cause to believe that you have broken the law. Your name wasn't drawn out of a hat for random, causeless arrest.

We put people in jail for breaking the law because a) we as a society would like you to stop harming others and b) imprisonment may teach you not to pull that stuff again. The longer you cool off in there, the less likely you are to repeat your offense.

One of the cases in our courtroom yesterday was a young man, barely over 18, with a file an inch thick. This particular day he was pleaing on 8 different counts. His mother had already posted a $600 bond, and then paid an additional $400 as a result of his remaining issues.

Think he learned not to break the law yesterday? No way! What he learned yesterday is that mom will bail him out. Mom won't have any money saved for her own security in life, but I can assure you he doesn't care about that.

The best thing his mother could have done for him and for herself yesterday was say, "Well son, I hope you can come up with $400 this afternoon," and gone home to mind her own business. An al-anon working a program would call this "helping someone find bottom".

But our newcomer's story has an encouraging ending: instead of taking others' money, she went with her sponsor and turned herself in to the county jail. She was arrested and detained for 90 minutes, and paid what fines remained after her jail credit was applied.

Now, she need not fear this issue ever again: she's paid her debt. She doesn't owe anyone for bailing her out. She has a new degree of respect and encouragement from folks in the meetings. Fear of people in that county has left her!

"They always materialize if we work for them."

What "if"?

So it's the end of August, and being month number 8 going into month number 9, many around here are gearing up to do their amends, or at least to brag about doing them in meetings. It's a heavy subject going in and a freeing experience going out, Here's what I've learned about the process along my way ...

1) I can owe amends to people even if they do not appear on my 4th step list. I have found this to be especially true for those newer in sobriety. The 4th step list is my list of resentments/fears/generally nasty feelings. However, I can harm people without even knowing it. This is why the twelve steps differentiate between a "fearless moral inventory" and "a list of all persons we had harmed". These can be two separate and different lists.

2) I should not attempt to make an amends if I'm not really sorry. Having a resentment is like active alcoholism: everyone can see it, regardless of how I think I'm covering it up. If you know deep down that you're not a bit sorry for what you did, you will almost always make the situation worse with a new act of dishonesty. The Big Book says that in this case we should pray for the willingness to make amends in these cases.

3) I should not make a direct amends to someone in order to manipulate them. When I did my first amends list, I couldn't wait to go to an old flame an apologize for the way I would sometimes speak to him when I had been drinking. I was genuinely sorry about that, but what I truly wanted deep down was to show him that I had sobered up and that now he should give our relationship another chance. Selfishness and self-centeredness was about to become the root of yet another problem! If I am still trying to control others' behavior, I am going to drink again, and luckily my sponsor saw through my sanctimonious b******t and forbade me from contacting him in any way.

4) I should remember that Internet is usually the easier, softer way. If my sponsor authorizes me to make a direct amends to someone, I need to see that individual in person. Anything else is cutting corners, with a couple of exceptions:

• You physically can't appear before them - you are a soldier deployed to a combat zone, you are incarcerated, etc. If someone has a protective order against you, DO NOT VIOLATE THE ORDER.


• They refuse to see you - this is their right, and we respect that, no questions asked.


• The expense of travel will be a financial hardship on you or your family - if you need to make amends to someone who is now a missionary in Pongo Pongo, airfare would certainly bite into the budget of the average family. We are responsible for our family's food, basic clothing or shelter in all stages of our recovery.

So, with this said, have a happy amends list! If I've left anything out here ... I apologize!